Growing Together

By Chuck and Cathi Lammert -

Over the many years of working with bereaved parents, my husband, Chuck and I have had many questions asked of us about coping and growing together as a couple after the loss of one’s baby(ies). Interestingly, when we were running support groups, many women in the group would line up to ask Chuck more questions about their partner’s issues than their own dealings with the loss. It is common in relationships to have a need to understand and attempt to fix the other person. One of the biggest worries after the death of a baby is the fear of separation or divorce. I can honestly say those couples we supported who truly worked on their grief issues were less likely to face this challenge.

Following are some suggestions for dealing with your own issues, and solid advice for a couple’s dealings on this difficult journey. Chuck and I hope that by sharing these coping strategies, we might help your relationship not only survive this tragedy, but become stronger and happier.

• Your relationship as a couple is the most important relationship. Let it take precedence over all others.

• When a baby dies, the grief affects both of you at the same time. Other stresses in a relationship usually do not impact both individuals simultaneously. Therefore, your closest support is not always able to respond to you because he/she is trying to cope with his/her own grief.

• Each person in the relationship will grieve in individual ways. Learning to understand your partner’s ways may take some time and may be difficult.

• Sometimes words are not needed; just your listening ear may help.

• Difficulties may arise in the best of relationships. This may be the first time you may struggle with major differences of opinions. Keep working at communicating your emotional and physical needs.

• Your partner does not have to be your sole supporter. It is OK to share with someone close to you or a support group during this difficult time.

• Reading bereavement materials may help validate your feelings. In addition, you can point out in your reading, your parallel feelings to your partner. It is also a great source to initiate a discussion.

• It is OK to reach out for professional help, it is not a sign of weakness.

• There may be stresses on your sexual relationship. Communicate your intimate feelings openly. Remember, human touch and hugs can be healing.

• Each of you may need some privacy with your feelings. Respect and give each other that space.

• You may feel differently about the choices regarding memorializing your child. Talk about your differences and try to work out a compromise.

• Each of you experienced the death of your baby but you may have had different hopes and dreams for your baby. Sharing your lost dreams can give you some insight into each other’s feelings.

• You are not the same person you were before your baby died. It may take time to accept and understand the new person.

• Each of you will search for a meaning of your loss; one or both may turn to faith or spirituality, one or both may not.

• Your baby has given you many gifts, exploring those gifts may warm your heart. Your priorities in life may change for the better.

• It is okay to enjoy life again. Your baby does not expect you to be sad all of the time. Sharing laughter and tears together helps you to heal. Search for some relaxing things to do; it may help give you a new perspective.

• This is a difficult time for both of you. Remember that if your relationship was secure prior to your loss, it can become a deeper relationship during and after your healing.

Cathi Lammert, R.N., is Executive Director of the National Office of SHARE Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc. www.nationalshare.org.  As a bereaved parent, Cathi combines her personal experience with her education and professional background as an obstetrical nurse. Her son, Christopher Michael lived just 4 days and died due to Hydrops Fetalis, a complication of Rh sensitization.  Cathi was a guest on the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart with Dr. Gloria & Dr. Heidi Horsley, to discuss Finding Help and Hope After Pregnancy Loss.  To hear Cathi being interviewed on this show, click on the following link:  www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley011509.mp3 

For more information, you can e-mail Cathi at:  clammert@nationalshare.org

Suggestions for a Well-Deserved Mother’s and Father’s Day

By Cathi Lammert -

Often times Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are two of the most difficult days for bereaved parents. Some have told me that these days are so painful that they are not able to even acknowledge it for their own mom or dad, and they celebrate with their parents on a different day. Over the years, parents have looked at me with tear-filled eyes and asked me “Am I really a parent if my baby is not here with me?”

I equate parenthood with love; the greatest kind of love. Does love stop when a baby dies? Of course not! You will always be your child/ren’s parent. No one can take this role away from you.

You may question whether you have the right to celebrate or be remembered on these days, but a parent’s love needs to be acknowledged and celebrated. If you can’t imagine joining the rest of the world in the typical activities of celebration, do something different or not at all. But also know, that even without your precious baby in your arms, you are parents and parenthood can be celebrated as you choose. Whatever you choose to do on these days, know that it is okay if it feels right to you.

The following suggestions are some ways to celebrate your parenthood on these difficult days:

* Acknowledge that you are parents.

* Be gentle with yourselves. Do only what you can handle. 

*Acknowledge that this day could be difficult and determine how you can comfortably spend the day.

*Alert yourself to the most difficult challenges of the day, such as attention given to moms and dads at church. Some parents have talked to their clergy about the importance of recognizing all parents at these celebrations.

*Family gatherings may make you feel uncomfortable. Discuss this with your family and let them know that you appreciate their love and support, but that you may not be able to attend or manage your composure throughout the entire day. Assure them that these feelings will not be forever.

*Plan ahead. Waiting until the last minute can cause frustration and hurt feelings.

*Share with family and friends how they can help make your day a special one. Sometimes they need specific suggestions, such as sending you a card, flowers, or a donation to Share or another favorite charity in your baby’s name.

*Treat yourselves to a special gift, an outing, or flowers. Send each other cards for these special days.

*Remember your baby by lighting a candle, placing a rose on the alter or dinner table, or planting a tree or bush.

It is important to tell others what you need. Do not assume that everyone will be aware of how you are feeling on these days. Being aware in advance that certain situations may be difficult, such as family gatherings or church services, allows you the opportunity to plan accordingly. If you’ve been asked to do something that makes you uncomfortable, listen to your heart. For some, spending the day in bed with the covers pulled up, or on the couch watching movies, might be the right thing. Be sensitive to your own feelings and needs, and above all, know that you are parents.

Cathi Lammert, R.N., is Executive Director of the National Office of SHARE Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc. www.nationalshare.org.  As a bereaved parent, Cathi combines her personal experience with her education and professional background as an obstetrical nurse. Her son, Christopher Michael lived just 4 days and died due to Hydrops Fetalis, a complication of Rh sensitization.  Cathi was a guest on the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart with Dr. Gloria & Dr. Heidi Horsley, to discuss Finding Help and Hope After Pregnancy Loss.  To hear Cathi being interviewed on this show, click on the following link:  www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley011509.mp3  For more information, you can e-mail Cathi at:  clammert@nationalshare.org

Little People with Big Hurts

By Cathi Lammert, RN -

Most children who have a sibling that dies due to a pregnancy loss, stillbirth or in the first few months of life will experience a grief reaction.  However, often times, their grief is overlooked or discounted. Parents may be so overwhelmed by their own grief that they are unable to assist their children with their issues. Parents often ask me “Will my child be negatively affected by the death of their baby sibling?”  I have to say the answer to this question is, “Usually not, if the child’s grief is acknowledged.” In this article, I hope to provide some direction in ways to assist little people with their big hurts and ways to validate their feelings.

In Helping Children Cope with the Unexplained Death of Infant, the author, Dr. Charles Corr, outlines four basic psychological tasks that comfort grieving youngsters. These include:  Understanding what has happened, identifying and validating their feelings, commemorating the life of the sibling(s) who died, and learning to live and love again.¹ In the following paragraphs, I will address each of these tasks and provide insight and direction from my own experiences. In assisting with the difficult journey of grieving, one should note that a child’s personality, past life experiences, developmental stage, and past reactions to loss will affect his/her reaction to the death of a sibling.

Understanding What Has Happened

Very young children ages two and under do not fully understand what has happened, but they are aware of a change in their parent’s behavior.  Children sense that their lives have changed dramatically, and they may become irritable or clingy. Sometimes parents may not have the energy to meet the many emotional and physical demands of their little ones during the demands of their own intense grief. It is important to try to maintain a normal routine even if it requires the assistance of family and friends with the child’s care.

Preschool children need to have things explained in very concrete terms. We need to be careful with our words; children become confused with statements that are not literally clear, for instance things such as “the baby is sleeping with God.” This statement may cause them to be fearful of sleep and of God.  Also, children of this age do not understand the finality of death and think heaven is a place one can visit temporarily and that the baby is coming back after a while.  Parents may become frustrated as children have repeated questions.  Often simple answers will suffice as children do not want detailed explanations. As the child matures, he/she will have a better concept of death.

School-age children are often frightened by death. They may have fears of sleeping alone or being apart from their family. They may need extra reassurances and more time with you.  Also, children of this age are very curious. Of course, this means they ask many questions and want more detailed explanations. All questions need to be answered and if we as parents do not respond to these questions, their peers will. Other children’s explanations may confuse and upset them even more.

Identifying and Validating Feelings

Parents have shared with me their concern about their preschooler because he or she is sad one minute and happy the next. Preschoolers grieve in spurts and the intensity is not as great as that of an older child. Often, children of this age will act out their feelings through their play. This is very therapeutic and is a way for them to positively release their feelings. Like adults, children respond to grief in many different ways. They may act out their anger by being destructive. It is important to acknowledge this anger and frustration so they can move past it. It can be helpful for them to have a punching bag or pillow to release those feelings. It is also important to have conversations about the loss your family has experienced and how your child has responded to the death with the child’s teachers, coaches, scout masters, and other caregivers. It is helpful to also give these individuals some bereavement literature on ways to help children with the death of a baby.

Commemorating the Life of the Sibling(s) Who Died

A large number of people in our society believe children should not be exposed to death. Parents often are not sure if they should include their child/ren at the time of loss, at the funeral or in the commemorating in the years to come. Parents know   their children better than anyone so these decisions are very personal and what is right for one many not feel right for another.

The parents of children who experience early pregnancy loss may find it more difficult to commemorate this life as often the only tangible evidence they have is an ultrasound picture.  Some commemorative ideas that families experiencing early losses have used are organizing a memorial service at their church, participating in a quarterly group burial service, or having a private intimate service with their family. Others have planted a tree or designed a garden.  Some families find connecting to a specific object such as a teddy bear or a piece of jewelry for themselves and the children is meaningful.

When there is a funeral and a viewing of the baby, sometimes parents are not sure about how to involve the children. The child may or may not have seen the baby at the hospital.  Talking to them about the choice and informing them what to expect at the viewing and the funeral helps the child and parent make a decision.  Some children may come to just the viewing and not the funeral and some want to be a part of the entire ritual. It is always helpful to have someone there to support the child/ren in case the parents need to leave.

Most children love to draw, color or write poems or letters.  Giving them the opportunity to create a special picture or letter to place in the casket may bring them comfort. Children loved to have their own keepsakes and may find having a special stuffed animal, piece of jewelry, baby’s handprints or footprints, and/or baby’s picture quite helpful. This connection to the baby may be a treasure for years to come.

Annual memorial services or walks held by support groups are a wonderful way to involve children. Sometimes at the time of the loss, the children may not have been a part of the initial ritual. Group memorials are opportunities to share with other bereaved families and a means to positively remember their baby.  This may be the first time a child has had an opportunity to remember their sibling.  At memorial services, children as well as parents can participate by writing a message on their balloon and releasing it, placing a holiday ornament on a tree or lighting their own candle.  

Lastly, family rituals such as placing flowers on the grave, releasing balloons, lighting candles, planting special plants etc in honor of the baby on birthdays, anniversaries, and other difficult days can be helpful. Some families have found planning something special with their children during those remembrance days such as an outing to movie, dinner or even a day trip is a positive means of healing with their family.   

Learning to Live and Love Again

Children will not forget their experience of having a baby brother or sister die.  However, they will be able to lead productive, wonderful lives if given permission to openly mourn and have their feelings validated. They need support and understanding of their grief in order to be able to integrate this loss into their lives.  As they move through each developmental stage, new questions may be asked, and they may need more in-depth answers.  This does not mean they are regressing, but rather they are maturing and need to clarify some issues in their hearts and minds. Some children adjust to this loss easier and others need extra help with a support group or therapist. 

In closing, your children are often your greatest source of comfort. Their openness and non-judgmental attitudes may allow you to express yourself and give permission to talk about your baby.  Bereaved children have learned about grief at often a very young age. However, often with a grief experience, growth does occur and gifts such as compassion and kindness follow. These may be the best of many gifts their brother or sister has left them.

¹Charles Corr, PhD., Building Blocks:  Helping Children Cope with the Sudden and Unexplained Death of an Infant, (SIDS Resources, Inc. Missouri Department of Health, Division of Administration, P.O. Box 570, Jefferson City, MO)

Sharing Newsletter: Volume 18, Issue 1; National Share Office, www.nationalshare.org

Cathi Lammert, R.N., is Executive Director of the National Office of SHARE Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc. www.nationalshare.org.  As a bereaved parent, Cathi combines her personal experience with her education and professional background as an obstetrical nurse. Her son, Christopher Michael lived just 4 days and died due to Hydrops Fetalis, a complication of Rh sensitization.  Cathi was a guest on the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart with Dr. Gloria & Dr. Heidi Horsley, to discuss Finding Help and Hope After Pregnancy Loss.  To hear Cathi being interviewed on this show, click on the following link:  www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley011509.mp3  For more information, you can e-mail Cathi at:  clammert@nationalshare.org

Finding Help and Hope After Pregnancy Loss with guest Cathi Lammert

From Healing the Grieving Heart radio, January 15. 2009

Listen to radio show archive: MP3 Link

Cathi Lammert is the Executive Director of Share, a foundation that supports those who have had pregnancy and infant loss.  Cathi is a former obstetrical nurse and bereaved parent of Christopher Michael who lived just 4 days. She and her husband Chuck have been involved with Share since 1983, shortly after Christopher’s death.  Share provides a wealth of free resources, local and online support groups, an online catalog, and caregiver training.  Visit www.nationalshare.org or e-mail Cathi at clammert@nationalshare.org.

Listen to radio show archive: MP3 Link