Holding On and Letting Go

By Beth Seyda -

After my infant son, Dylan, died I started jotting down various things and scenes I recalled from our experience.  I wanted to write about these memories not only to capture the details of Dylan’s life and death as a personal keepsake, but I also wanted to send it to our health care team.  I wanted them to learn from our experience.  Writing our story felt good, it was therapeutic for me. I wanted to share the parental aspects as well as the medical.  Writing allowed me to release all this “stuff”. 

Afterward, I felt different.  For a while I was weepy and wondered if I was having delayed post-partum depression.  Or maybe I was moving onto some new phase of grieving.   I called DJ, our grief counselor, and described this to her.  Did she have any idea what this was?  She said writing was helping me let go of a lot of things and it was allowing me to move on.  And it would feel different.  That was good enough for me, as long as this made sense to someone who was trained in grief counseling, I was OK with it.

As time went on, more of these “letting go” feelings occurred and I struggled with them.  I kept holding onto those two weeks of Dylan’s life so tightly, but what had wrapped itself around the wonderful memories of his brief life were layers upon layers of pain, loss, and grief.  All those layers were heavy and I became accustomed to drudging that around.  So it felt like if I let go of the pain, I would let go of everything, including Dylan.  And I would not let go of him.  The pain from the loss and my love for Dylan were so intertwined. 

Very, very slowly I learned that I could let go of the pain and Dylan remained.  It took me a while to recognize that, though.  After shedding some of that weight, he just felt so light, like he wasn’t there, which terrified me.  But then I could feel his presence, his spirit, he had not gone anywhere.  I just had to get used to feeling lighter and know that Dylan would always be in my heart.

Beth Seyda’s life was transformed in 1997 with the birth and death of her critically ill newborn son, Dylan.  She combines her 25+ years of professional experience in consumer research with her personal experience as Co-Founder and Executive Director of Compassionate Passages, Inc. The mission of her non-profit organization is to give a voice to pediatric patients and their families through advocacy, education, and research with the goal of improving pediatric end-of-life care and providing support to dying children and their families.  Compassionate Passages donates the book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby to bereaved families. 

Beth lives in Chapel Hill, N.C., with her husband, Mark, and their 7-year old son, Tyler.  To learn more about Beth’s non-profit organization, go to: www.compassionatepassages.org

Mother’s Day Flowers

By Beth Seyda -

It was back in 1998 that I was finally eligible to celebrate my first Mother’s Day.  Our first child, Dylan, had been born in the fall of 1997 after many years of fertility issues.  But when that May holiday came around, one that I had longed to be a part of, it was a bitter-sweet day.  Yes, I was a mother, but now without a child.  Our sweet baby lived for only two weeks in the neonatal intensive care unit and died peacefully in our arms. 

I struggled that first Mother’s Day - I wanted to celebrate, I had been so happy being a mom to Dylan while I was pregnant with him and during his brief life.  I wanted to honor our mother-son relationship, even though the pain from the loss was still palpable. 

I recalled how others had supported us and what I found comforting.  Family and friends had given us numerous plants, bushes, and flowers in memory of Dylan which were growing outside in our front and back yards.  It’s an understatement that I do not have a green thumb, so I welcomed the beautiful daffodils, crocus, azalea and butterfly bushes that were now blooming.  I loved being outdoors and admiring Mother Nature’s miracles.  With Dylan’s birth and death occurring only weeks from each other, being reminded of the circle of life connected with me.

So, on my first Mother’s Day I started what has become an annual ritual: planting flowers (usually hardy geraniums) in clay pots that adorn our back deck.  Getting my hands into the dirt and helping these flowers take root and thrive continue to be healing as I reflect upon how Dylan nourished my soul and helped me become a mom. 

There were many tears as I planted flowers those first Mother’s Days.  But it always brought me such joy to see the fruits of my labors as the spring unfolded into summer and fall, and as I watched hummingbirds gather nectar from these flowers. 

Now, many years later and mother to 7-year old Tyler, this Mother’s Day I will once again be out on our deck planting flowers - proudly and gratefully remembering all our children. 

Beth Seyda’s life was transformed in 1997 with the birth and death of her critically ill newborn son, Dylan.  She combines her 25+ years of professional experience in consumer research with her personal experience as Co-Founder and Executive Director of Compassionate Passages, Inc. The mission of her non-profit organization is to give a voice to pediatric patients and their families through advocacy, education, and research with the goal of improving pediatric end-of-life care and providing support to dying children and their families.  Compassionate Passages donates the book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby to bereaved families. 

Beth lives in Chapel Hill, N.C., with her husband, Mark, and their 7-year old son, Tyler.  To learn more about Beth’s non-profit organization, go to: www.compassionatepassages.org

Miscarriage and Infant Loss with guests Beth Seyda and Monica Novak

From Healing the Grieving Heart radio, October 30, 2008

Listen to radio show archive: MP3 Link

Beth Seyda’s life was transformed in 1997 with the birth and death of her critically ill newborn son, Dylan.  She combines her 25+ years of professional experience in consumer research with her personal experience as Co-Founder and Executive Director of Compassionate Passages, Inc. The mission of her non-profit organization is to give a voice to pediatric patients and their families through advocacy, education, and research with the goal of improving pediatric end-of-life care and providing support to dying children and their families.  Compassionate Passages donates the book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby to bereaved families. 

Beth lives in Chapel Hill, NC with her husband, Mark, and their 7-year old son, Tyler.  To learn more about Beth’s non-profit organization, go to: www.compassionatepassages.org

Monica Novak became a bereaved mother in 1995 with the stillbirth of her daughter Miranda, learning firsthand the devastation of saying goodbye to a much-loved, much-wanted baby before having the chance to say hello.  Three weeks later, she began a journey towards healing when she attended her first Share support group meeting.  Along the way, she and six other bereaved mothers formed a close bond that carried them through the grief of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death, as well as the challenges of subsequent pregnancy and infertility.  Having been at the opposite ends of grief and joy; despair and hope; indifference and compassion; fear and peace-sometimes simultaneously-she has captured these emotions and the story of her journey in a highly-praised new memoir titled The Good Grief Club.

Monica writes and speaks on the subject of pregnancy loss and infant death and is involved with local and national organizations that provide support to families and caregivers.  She is a member of the Pregnancy Loss and Infant Death Alliance (PLIDA). Her mission is to bring comfort and hope to bereaved parents worldwide and to educate and promote awareness to the physicians, nurses, clergy, counselors, family, and friends of every mother or father who has or ever will be told that their baby has no heartbeat or that nothing more can be done.

She is also the editor of Open to Hope’s Pregnancy and Infant Loss blog page www.opentohopepregnancyloss.com

The mother of three daughters, Monica lives in the Chicago area with her husband, children, and a rat terrier named Sami.  For more information, please visit www.thegoodgriefclub.com or e-mail Monica at monica@thegoodgriefclub.com

Listen to radio show archive: MP3 Link