Woman Grieves Over Death of a Baby 35 Years Ago

From Open to Hope: Ask The Authors, December 10, 2008

Tammy writes in with a question: My friend who is 52 is grieving over a baby she lost when she was 17. She has 2 other children, both adults now. But she is suddenly feeling this loss, feeling like she was supposed to have 3 children. Is it possible to grieve this far from the death?

Doris Jeanette, Psy.D., author of Opening the Heart, an emotional guide into feelings and emotions.  responds:

It is not only possible, but helpful, to grieve any loss that has not been fully experienced.  It does not matter how many years ago the original loss occurred.  As a young mother, your friend may not have been able to fully grieve the loss. She may have blamed herself and as a result shut off her feelings and emotions. Now she may be ready to feel the loss and express her emotions. This is wonderful. You can be a helpful friend by supporting her in expressing her feelings and emotions in healthy ways. You can also encourage her to seek professional help, if needed.  She will be a stronger and healthier person after she processes the loss of her child. Opening the heart is a life-long process and how it unfolds is how it unfolds. Honor her and her healing process.

Tom Zuba, author, inspirational speaker, and workshop facilitator, responds:

Yes, it is possible to grieve many years after a death has occurred. 

Many of us think, and probably secretly hope, that grief has a limited shelf life.  I don’t believe that’s true.  It certainly hasn’t been my experience.  I think we’ll always be grieving the great losses of our life, and the death of your friend’s baby when she was only 17 is certainly a great loss.  Often the grief changes though.  For many, it softens and the underlying love we feel for the person who has died rises to the surface quicker.  The pain is not as intense nor does it last as long as it once did. But I think we will always experience moments of grief.  It’s one of the ways we stay connected. 

I believe that the relationship we have with a loved one, and certainly with our children, continues even after they die.  It’s up to us to determine if that relationship will be healthy or unhealthy. 

I’d like to suggest to you that your friend does indeed still have three children.  One happened to die as a baby.  But your friend is still that child’s mother.  Nothing can change that.  Now that her other two children have grown and are perhaps out of the house, there may be some space available for the grief that is rooted in the baby’s death to rise up.  It sounds like that may be happening.  It’s healthy and brings with it great opportunity for growth.

I hope you will accompany your friend as she feels every feeling and emotion that rises to the surface - emotions and feelings that may have been stuffed deep for a long time.  Perhaps you can encourage her to examine and maybe even redefine the relationship she has with her child that died.  Does she have a picture of that baby displayed in a special place in her home?  Does she honor her baby’s birth in a unique way? 

She might consider writing a letter to the baby.  What would she like this baby to know?  Or she might find comfort in writing a letter to herself from the baby.  If the baby could talk to her mom, all these years later, what would the baby say?  If your friend celebrates Christmas, she could buy a special ornament this year in memory of her baby.  This could become her annual tradition.

The relationship continues.  It’s worth taking the time to make sure it’s a healthy one.

‘Grief is an Illness’ and Other Myths Surrounding Loss

By David Daniels, M.D. -

Destructive myths abound concerning the loss and grief process. First, contrary to some views, there is no one “right” way to die or grieve; our personality type makes a difference. Some of us go in peace and some screaming.

Many people don’t go through all the steps in the dying process outlined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (On Death and Dying) or in the order she states. She lists in order: shock; denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and acceptance/resignation. By bargaining, she means asking for a favor or another chance, often based on the promise of good behavior. Depression is not inevitable, and some people don’t feel angry.

With loving care and the receptive awareness and acceptance that go with presence, many people realize that life is each day, that wholeness is the goal, not postponing death. We can heal the heart while the body is dying.

There are myths about the grieving process as well. The main ones are that grief is an illness, something to get better from, and that you grieve first and then come back to live life as though grief and life are linear processes.

In truth, grief is a natural process. It lets us know that we care/love. The natural sadness of grief often comes in waves, unexpectedly. Trying not to grieve often causes persistent distress and even depression.

The natural process involves leaning into pain, not away from it and releasing through the pain into love and life in each moment. Life and grief go hand in hand in a natural co-existence. These realizations, when truly lived, make both the death and grief process transformative rather than transfixing. These best or healthy principles about the dying and the grief processes have been honored in both hospice and Anamcara (soul friend) care that goes back over 1000 years.

Dr. David Daniels, MD is clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford Medical School, a leading developer of the Enneagram system of nine personality styles, and co-author of The Essential Enneagram (Harper Collins).