My 3-Day-Old Granddaughter Died

From The Grief Blog, September 25, 2007

My granddaughter died when she was three days old. Her mother was in labor and fell which caused the placenta to tear loose from the wall. I have been dealing with the loss but my greater concern is my daughter-in-law. I love her as my own and she is not the same mother that she was to her other 2 children.  She feels that everything is ok but I really think that she needs more help.  This is a loss that has no time limit or timetable for when “we’re all better”. I just don’t want to lose her too!!! I am a nurse and feel that I should be able to help but I don’t think that’s happening!

Dear Sherry,

We are so very sorry for your loss of your granddaughter. You don’t say how long ago her death occurred but regardless of time, the wounds sound fresh and raw for both you and your daughter-in-law. She is lucky to have you with her for love and support and you are probably helping her more than you know. 

We recommend that you introduce her to The Grief Blog so she can read what other mothers have written and how their healing took place or is taking place. And we also recommend that you seek out a chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area. You can find their website at http://www.compassionatefriends.org/  With them you can find many valuable resources to help you and your daughter in law along the way. Each member has experienced the death of a child and each has survived and grieved in his or her own way. With this group neither of you have to walk this path alone. You also might want to consider recommending a professional grief counselor to her at some point if you feel she needs more support.

We invite you and your daughter-in-law to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/

Our blessings to you both,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

My Grandson Died at Birth. How Do I Help My Daughter?

From The Grief Blog, November 1, 2007

My name is Jenn and on Oct 25th 2007 my daughter gave birth to a beautiful boy. There were complications, the cord was wrapped around his neck. They revived him and he was alive by machines until the 28th. My daughter had to hold her beautiful baby while he died. The pain I feel almost knocks me to the ground. It kills me to see her go through this but sometimes I don’t know what to say. I try to keep myself together on the outside. I don’t want her to worry about me. I think she is going to need counseling What is the best way to bring it up? She has 2 other young children and they are going to need their mom back. They don’t understand why their baby brother is not going to ever come home. Jenn

Drs. Heidi and Gloria Respond

Dear Jenn,

We are so very sorry for your loss and for what your daughter has had to endure. Losing a child is the hardest thing a parent can endure and seeing your own daughter suffer this loss brings such excruciating pain to you that we understand why you say it almost knocks you to the ground. The loss is still so new and the emotions so raw for her right now that she may have no idea what she needs or wants.

It may be that, as you say, she needs counseling or even a professional grief counselor if there is one in your area. It also could be helpful for her (and you) to seek out a chapter of The Compassionate Friends. The members of this group have each lost a child and understand what she is going through.  And there are probably also grandmothers there who can help you with your own grief and help you find ways to support your daughter. You can find them at http://www.compassionatefriends.org.  If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation.  However, we understand that groups are not for everyone.  If groups are not for you or your daughter we recommend that you reach out to your church, and friends for support.  We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone. 

Perhaps your daughter could benefit from listening Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  There are a number of past shows that may be of help to your daughter, particularly the Oct. 11^th, 2007 show with Monica Novak:  Coping with Pregnancy and Infant Loss.  There might be a number of other shows as well that bring both of you help and comfort and they can be found at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/    We often read letters from the Grief Blog on the show so you might want to tune in next Thursday. 

Know that each one grieves in her own time and in her own way and there is no right or wrong way to go about it. Encourage your daughter to be gentle with herself during this most difficult time. 

Our blessings,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

Editor’s note: the following Healing the Grieving Heart radio programs recently aired and also pertain to this topic:

October 30, 2008
Miscarriage and Infant Loss
Guests: Monica Novak and Beth Seyda

January 15, 2009
Finding Help and Hope After Pregnancy Loss
Guest: Cathi Lammert

I Lost My Grandson to SIDS

From The Grief Blog, November 28, 2007

I lost my grandson Braxton Tyler to SIDS when he was 7 weeks old. He passed on 12/21/03 and I still grieve to this day. I miss him just as much today and when he died. I wonder when will it get easier ?!? I don’t talk about him much because people don’t know how to handle a conversation such as a child who has passed. Most of the time I will just go to the cemetery and talk to him and cry - that seems to help me the most.

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond

Dear Carla,

We are so very sorry for your loss. Losing a child or a grandchild is such a huge loss and sometimes people don’t understand why you don’t “get over it” quickly. Please know that there is no time limit on grief and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. The grieving grandparent is often overlooked in our efforts to console the grieving parent. And you and other grandparents have the difficult job of consoling and comforting your child while you bear your own heavy load of grief.

Sometimes talking about it helps and we encourage you to get involved with a grief group so you can talk about it freely with those who understand. One group we recommend highly is The Compassionate Friends. (http://www.compassionatefriends.org ) If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation or visit a counselor for a few sessions. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone. 

You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/  Specifically, you might like to listen to the show aired on May 17, 2007: Thoughts on Being a Bereaved Parent and Grandparent with Polly Moore.

Again, our sincere condolences,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley