Loss of Infant Twin Inspires Mother to Share Story

By Beth Larson - In 2001 I gave birth to my twin daughters Madelyne and Shirley. They were only 26 weeks gestation, and I had been in the hospital on bed rest because the water around Shirley broke everyday starting at 19 weeks. I was in the hospital for 7 weeks, laying there praying and watching my other two children, Alexander and Emmalynn, ages 3 and 5, come to visit me.  I was terrified, my husband was anxious and the children were scared because Mommy was not at home.

When I went into labor I knew that I had 50/50 odds of viable babies and I also knew that Shirley would be in more critical condition than Madelyne. As soon as they were born I called for the hospital priest to baptize them, and then 12 hours after her first attempt to take a deep breath my Shirley flew home to the angels from my arms. We were devastated, and we still had Maddy fighting for her survival.   I can only say that I would never wish this place of paradoxes on any parent, sorrow that my daughter died and joy that my other daughter lived. The next 3 months we went everyday to the NICU to sit with Maddy. Alex and Emmy went with me as well as my mother. They were such curious little buttons and everyday they asked where their other sister was, and my heart was torn asunder all over again.

The planning of Shirley’s funeral was almost beyond my ability. My husband and I struggled through that week in a daze. The hospital was kind enough to give us a resource packet, but I never found anything that would assist me in explaining what had happened to the other children. Every day they asked and each time I choked on my tears. They had a right to know, and I had no idea how to tell them.

Madelyne is my miracle baby, she has no complications and if you were to meet her today you would never believe my incredible story. I decided in my journey towards healing to write a book.  It is written in meter and easily understood by little children. I illustrated it with pictures of my “superheroes” Alexander, Emmalynn, Madelyne and my husband Justin, so that anyone who picked it up would feel connected to real people. Now, people who find themselves in my situation have a resource to help them explain to their children and even to themselves in a way, what has happened and the realization that joy and hope can be found again, not the same as before, but different.   My older children rescued me from despair, they lifted me on their little baby shoulders and taught me to laugh again, to smile, and to dream again. My fondest wish is that anyone who has lost a child will find comfort in this book, peace and blessings to you.

The title is “Shirley’s Garden.” I chose this because I have always felt guilty for not being comfortable visiting the cemetery. I would go there and see these elaborate gardens people made for their deceased loved ones, and I would think less of myself for not doing the same. Then I wrote the book, and it struck me that this would be my garden to my Shirley.

Please visit www.eloquentbooks.com/ShirleysGarden.html to view Beth’s information page.

Myth Conceptions of Parental Grief

by David Hurley -

Over the past several years I have heard several people make ridiculous and shocking statements regarding parental grief. Most of the time they think they can help, and usually they are well meaning folks. They are comfortable in their ignorance of the realities associated with the loss of a child. Many of the statements have been heard from more than one source so they are common “knowledge.” Those inexperienced in this loss have accepted this conventional “wisdom.” They want to share it with everyone because it somehow seems logical.

I call these beliefs “mythconceptions.” They are myths in the truest sense. Passed along from many sources they become part of the fabric of grief to the uninitiated. They are almost misconceptions since people seem to internalize them before they pass them on.

I will share some mythconceptions here with a few tasteful (hopefully) comments:

“I didn’t want to say anything because I was afraid I would remind you of (fill in the name).” That’s really considerate of you. I almost forgot. Ten more minutes··· Yeah!!! Right!!! What ever makes anyone think we could ever forget? They have no idea how long it is before a day begins without the thought of a missing child. The thought is there quickly, but it NEVER goes away.

“I know just how you feel. My dog died last year.” Whatever you do, DO NOT SAY THE FIRST THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR MIND. Take a deep breath and explain that you too had dogs and cats (maybe even some fish and birds). Have buried several, and that it does not even come close in the level of pain or the lasting feeling of emptiness that accompanies the death of a child.

“Isn’t it time you just moved on?” Move on to where? We have moved. You should have seen us the first moment/hour/day/week/month/year. We are dealing with the grief, but it will never be gone completely. No one completely gets over the death of any loved one. The biggest problem a bereaved parent faces is that this is so backwards. We are supposed to bury our parents. We may bury siblings and many friends. Our children are supposed to bury us. Our brain was never prepared for this possibility.

“God only gives you what you can bear.” Maybe He has me confused with someone much stronger. In fact, if He gave this to me, I have a serious problem with Him. Help through this is welcome, the need for the help is not.

“At least you have other children so it won’t hurt as bad.” To this I want to respond: “Which of your children are you ready to sacrifice?” People who actually say this have missed the latest dose of oxygen needed for brain function. While we love each of our children differently, we love each of them unconditionally. They do not share our heart in pieces, each one fills our heart completely.

“At least they were older so you had enough time with them.” Enough time? How much is ‘enough’ time? As my children age I realize that I am in a different stage of being a parent, but a parent none the less. I will never have enough time with my children. They are busy (I guess I know where they learned that) and it is often difficult for us to find time to get together.

“At least he (or she) was just a baby so you did not get the chance to get attached to them.” Once again, this is an obvious lack of oxygen to the brain. We are attached to our children before they are even born. We plan, hope, prepare nurseries, and pick out names, dream of the future together. Early death crushes us beneath the weight of grief.

“At least you are young enough to have more children.” That classic causes as much hurt as any. When someone says that it would be appropriate to say: “You are also young enough, so give us one of yours and YOU have another one!” Even if we are young enough (I am not) we cannot replace the child that died. If they could be replaced so easily they would all be the same. I know from experience that each child in the house is different and fills the heart in a way no other can.

“At least they won’t grow up to be on drugs (or in other trouble.)” Well, that certainly makes me feel better. I am sure I would have been such a terrible parent and they would have faced such terrible outside influences that life would have been unbearable. Guess again. I would give any thing to have the opportunity to face all of those problems with my child. What we are talking about here is HOPE.

“At least they are in a better place.” That helped a lot. We try to provide the best place possible and make reservations for that better place for a much later date. The date for that reservation should be a long time after they bury us.

You may notice the last six mythconceptions begin with “At least.” I think it is safe to say that whenever someone begins a comment with “At least” you can expect that it will hurt more than help. “At least” minimizes the facts and puts you on the defensive if you allow it.

I am certain I have missed a few mythconceptions. If you happen to think of some I should include please email me at David.Hurley@gte.net. Awareness is the best defense against these comments. Education of the folks making these comments should be done with care and understanding because their ignorance is truly bliss. We can truly hope they are never “one of us.”

My 3-Day-Old Granddaughter Died

From The Grief Blog, September 25, 2007

My granddaughter died when she was three days old. Her mother was in labor and fell which caused the placenta to tear loose from the wall. I have been dealing with the loss but my greater concern is my daughter-in-law. I love her as my own and she is not the same mother that she was to her other 2 children.  She feels that everything is ok but I really think that she needs more help.  This is a loss that has no time limit or timetable for when “we’re all better”. I just don’t want to lose her too!!! I am a nurse and feel that I should be able to help but I don’t think that’s happening!

Dear Sherry,

We are so very sorry for your loss of your granddaughter. You don’t say how long ago her death occurred but regardless of time, the wounds sound fresh and raw for both you and your daughter-in-law. She is lucky to have you with her for love and support and you are probably helping her more than you know. 

We recommend that you introduce her to The Grief Blog so she can read what other mothers have written and how their healing took place or is taking place. And we also recommend that you seek out a chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area. You can find their website at http://www.compassionatefriends.org/  With them you can find many valuable resources to help you and your daughter in law along the way. Each member has experienced the death of a child and each has survived and grieved in his or her own way. With this group neither of you have to walk this path alone. You also might want to consider recommending a professional grief counselor to her at some point if you feel she needs more support.

We invite you and your daughter-in-law to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/

Our blessings to you both,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

I Lost My Twin Babies

From The Grief Blog, September 28, 2007

I believe with all my heart the words of Jeremiah 29:11, where the Lord says…I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future. It all started 3 1/2 years when I married my wonderful husband. We met at church and it wasn’t long after we met that we realized that we had mutual friends that had tried previously to get us together but it never happened and here we are going to the same church and did not even know it. We married in March 2004 and have been happy ever since. Anyhow fast forward 3 years later. We start trying to conceive and since we had been studying on faith at church we took to heart what the Lord says in his word… “ask what you will in my name and it shall be done”. So we believed the Lord for twins. Well in March 2007 we found out we were pregnant not with just one but with two. We got our twins! Well Lord since you did that we said we want a boy and a girl and in July 2007 we found out it was a boy and a girl, Collin and Cailyn are the names we gave them. Well, August 2007 at 24 weeks Collin and Cailyn came early. Collin leaves us 5 hours after he is born and Cailyn leaves 6 am the next day. We cried and hugged, asked why, cried and hugged some more. We had to make the decision of cremation or a burial. We had them cremated and have the ashes at home. I look at the urns every so often and it hurts so much sometimes. I sometimes feel guilty about moving on because Collin and Cailyn are not here with me. I know they are in heaven but I miss them so much. God has truly comforted me and given me his peace but it still hurts so much when I think of them and the pregnancy. We will try again, but to be honest I’m scared about that too, but I remember that God has not given me a spirit of fear but of love peace and a sound mind. I try to hold to his promises everyday, but sometimes I just can’t stop the tears. I know God is with us and he has a plan for me and my husband. We just rely on his strength to get us through. It’s been 7 weeks and we continue to hold on to his Word and peace as that he has given us and look to the future with God’s will for our lives in view.

Dear Bucarrui,

We are so very sorry for your loss of your twin babies. Seven weeks is a very short time and we encourage you to be gentle with yourself and take all the time you need to grieve. There are no shoulds or shouldn’ts with grief and there is no time frame. You will miss them for the rest of your life and tears will come sometimes. Tears are very healing and its all right to let them flow. And “moving on” can be very healing as well.

There is a group called Compassionate Friends who might be of help to you and your husband. Each member has lost a child and they understand what you are experiencing. You can find them at http://www.compassionatefriends.org. If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support.  We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.

We invite you to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/

Blessings,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

My Grandson Died at Birth. How Do I Help My Daughter?

From The Grief Blog, November 1, 2007

My name is Jenn and on Oct 25th 2007 my daughter gave birth to a beautiful boy. There were complications, the cord was wrapped around his neck. They revived him and he was alive by machines until the 28th. My daughter had to hold her beautiful baby while he died. The pain I feel almost knocks me to the ground. It kills me to see her go through this but sometimes I don’t know what to say. I try to keep myself together on the outside. I don’t want her to worry about me. I think she is going to need counseling What is the best way to bring it up? She has 2 other young children and they are going to need their mom back. They don’t understand why their baby brother is not going to ever come home. Jenn

Drs. Heidi and Gloria Respond

Dear Jenn,

We are so very sorry for your loss and for what your daughter has had to endure. Losing a child is the hardest thing a parent can endure and seeing your own daughter suffer this loss brings such excruciating pain to you that we understand why you say it almost knocks you to the ground. The loss is still so new and the emotions so raw for her right now that she may have no idea what she needs or wants.

It may be that, as you say, she needs counseling or even a professional grief counselor if there is one in your area. It also could be helpful for her (and you) to seek out a chapter of The Compassionate Friends. The members of this group have each lost a child and understand what she is going through.  And there are probably also grandmothers there who can help you with your own grief and help you find ways to support your daughter. You can find them at http://www.compassionatefriends.org.  If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation.  However, we understand that groups are not for everyone.  If groups are not for you or your daughter we recommend that you reach out to your church, and friends for support.  We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone. 

Perhaps your daughter could benefit from listening Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  There are a number of past shows that may be of help to your daughter, particularly the Oct. 11^th, 2007 show with Monica Novak:  Coping with Pregnancy and Infant Loss.  There might be a number of other shows as well that bring both of you help and comfort and they can be found at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/    We often read letters from the Grief Blog on the show so you might want to tune in next Thursday. 

Know that each one grieves in her own time and in her own way and there is no right or wrong way to go about it. Encourage your daughter to be gentle with herself during this most difficult time. 

Our blessings,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

Editor’s note: the following Healing the Grieving Heart radio programs recently aired and also pertain to this topic:

October 30, 2008
Miscarriage and Infant Loss
Guests: Monica Novak and Beth Seyda

January 15, 2009
Finding Help and Hope After Pregnancy Loss
Guest: Cathi Lammert

The Loss of My Child

From The Grief Blog, November 13, 2007

He passed away due to pneumonia
Born on: 12/09/00 - 01/01/01
One of the first things I did after my son’s funeral was to write it all down. My son’s
 short life. How much we wanted him. How much we loved him. What dreams we dreamed. And how, so suddenly, so horribly, he was snatched away from us. Without a scream, without a cry.

He was with us just 3 weeks , but it seemed he had been part of our lives so much longer. .
His death was so unreal, one minute a sleeping baby, the next a limp corpse. While it was happening I felt as if I were watching a bad mini-series. The story was unbelievable, so unreal.

I never got the chance to feel his slobbery kisses, never got the chance to fulfill all the dreams I had for us. Never had the chance to show him off and gloat in any compliments that came my way. I never got to feed him any solid foods. I never had the chance to see the joy he would have brought his brother & sister. I never had the chance to see his smile, to hear his laugh. I never got the chance to hear him say mommy, daddy.

I’ve told this story many times, in many different situations. If my life is a tapestry,
this is the brightest, thickest thread. Fabian’s death is so much a part of me, that sometimes I wished it could be branded in my head:  “I survived my baby’s death.” Although you may not see my pain, it is there, ever-present just under the surface. My pain is real. Our baby lived and died. I had to write it down and share it with you.

I must remember the depth of the love I had for my baby. It is impossible to talk or listen to the story without tears. So much hope in such a little package. There were some dark hours when I just wanted to curl up, rock in a corner, and disappear. There were moments when suicide made sense although I knew I would never take this path. For the first time in my life, I really understood depression. I felt as if I was in a closed box with no openings. It felt all consuming. I felt as if my life were over.

I am grateful God gave me a few weeks with him, to share in his spirit, to sleep with him, to feed him, and to hold him. I wish I had been able to see him grow, watch him as he learned to take his first steps, watch him walk as he made it to his first day of school. To be able to tuck him into bed and read him a bedtime story just like I do with his brother and sister. When I go to sleep at night , he is always in my thoughts and in my prayers.

He was sent to us as a precious gift, he was truly a radiant beautiful baby boy. We find ourselves longing for and loving him. As he resides in his heavenly place, may Jesus keep him in his constant care, while we wait for an eternal life to see him again…

Sonia,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond
Dear Sonia,

Thank you for your beautiful and loving story. We will post it on the blog because we know it will help and console those who read it.

We are so very sorry for the loss of your son and know that there are few words that can truly console us as parents after such a loss.

We encourage you to see if there is a group of Compassionate Friends in your area. The members of this group have each lost a child and offer you understanding and support that can rarely be found anywhere else. They can be found at http://www.compassionatefriends.org. If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation.  However, we understand that groups are not for everyone.  If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support.  We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.  There is no time limit on grieving and each of us who have lost a child need to receive and give loving support.

We also invite you to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ Tomorrow’s show is Helping Families Deal With Loss and our guest is Dr. Janice Nadeau, a psychologist and marriage and family therapist. Often we will read letters to The Grief Blog on the show and we encourage you to listen tomorrow because, if we have the opportunity, we may read yours.

Our blessings,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi

I Lost My Grandson to SIDS

From The Grief Blog, November 28, 2007

I lost my grandson Braxton Tyler to SIDS when he was 7 weeks old. He passed on 12/21/03 and I still grieve to this day. I miss him just as much today and when he died. I wonder when will it get easier ?!? I don’t talk about him much because people don’t know how to handle a conversation such as a child who has passed. Most of the time I will just go to the cemetery and talk to him and cry - that seems to help me the most.

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond

Dear Carla,

We are so very sorry for your loss. Losing a child or a grandchild is such a huge loss and sometimes people don’t understand why you don’t “get over it” quickly. Please know that there is no time limit on grief and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. The grieving grandparent is often overlooked in our efforts to console the grieving parent. And you and other grandparents have the difficult job of consoling and comforting your child while you bear your own heavy load of grief.

Sometimes talking about it helps and we encourage you to get involved with a grief group so you can talk about it freely with those who understand. One group we recommend highly is The Compassionate Friends. (http://www.compassionatefriends.org ) If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation or visit a counselor for a few sessions. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone. 

You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/  Specifically, you might like to listen to the show aired on May 17, 2007: Thoughts on Being a Bereaved Parent and Grandparent with Polly Moore.

Again, our sincere condolences,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley