‘Don’t Ever Doubt You Are a Mother’

By Nina Bennett -

In a monumental moment of synchronicity, I was present the night my beloved granddaughter was born still. She slid into this world without drawing a breath, following a full-term, healthy pregnancy and normal, though long, labor. In a poignant moment, Jennifer, my daughter-in-law, looked at me and quietly asked, “So am I a mother or aren’t I?” With her question, my heart broke all over again. Later, Jenn told me how she resented not having the chance to parent her daughter.

Oh, but Jenn, you did parent your daughter. Not in the way you dreamed of, certainly. The act of parenting involves nurturing your child and tending to her needs.

Your daughter received unconditional love from the very first moment. You tended to her needs throughout your pregnancy. You carefully researched your prenatal care options, choosing a practice with nurse midwives because of their philosophy toward pregnancy and birth. You were actively involved in your pregnancy, taking yoga classes to deal with stress and physical discomforts. You read everything you could get your hands on about fetal development. You paid attention to your changing body and respected the fact that these changes were in response to your baby’s growth. A vegetarian, you were vigilant about ensuring that your baby received the proper nutrients for her development.

Together, you and Tim selected the birthing suite where you wanted to welcome your child. The plans for the birth were made with love. Every step of the way, each decision you made was based on love and concern for your baby-the absolute hallmarks of parenting. You chose a car seat after examining safety ratings. The furniture you selected for the nursery was not only lovely, it was useful-the crib would convert into a single bed, so the furniture would transition as your child grew older. In every decision you made, your baby came first.

I believe that the ultimate goal of parenting is to prepare your child to leave the protection of her home. While we never expected this to occur in the manner it did, you accomplished this with an amazing show of grace. As she left your body you touched her, not knowing that the guidance you were providing was all the guidance she would ever need.

Maddy knew the certainty and warmth of unconditional love throughout your pregnancy with her. Your daughter knew the intensity and depth of your love during her delivery and for the hours afterward, when you held and rocked and talked to her.  Although the atmosphere of serenity you had planned was temporarily abandoned when it was discovered that Maddy had no heartbeat, the quiet and dignity you desired returned once the medical necessities were completed.

Please don’t ever doubt that you are a mother. You are a mother in the truest, most selfless sense. Bereft, yes, but truly a mother. Your arms may be empty but your heart is overflowing. The love you have for your daughter lives on in your actions and your determination that she not be forgotten. You approach relationships with increased warmth and a heightened sense of connection.  So much was taken from you on November 12, 2003, but one fact will never change - forever and always, you will be Maddy’s Mommy.

© copyright 2006 Nina Bennett

Helping Grandchildren Deal with SIDS Grief and Sibling Loss with guests Jewel Sample and Nina Bennett

From Healing the Grieving Heart radio, May 29, 2008

Listen to radio show archive: MP3 Link

 Author/Speaker Jewel Sample is the award-winning children’s writer of “Flying Hugs and Kisses.” “Flying Hugs and Kisses” is about five children who creatively take on roles of support toward each other while showing their individual feelings about the death of their baby brother. The National Parenting Center awarded “Flying Hugs and Kisses” their 2007 Seal of Approval. The National Sudden Infant Death Resource Center has selected Sample’s books as a bereavement resource for families with children. Jewel’s grandson, Brennen, died of SIDS in 2004.  Visit Jewel at http://jewelsamples.blogspot.com/

 

Nina Bennett has 4 grandchildren, one of whom was unexpectedly born still following a healthy full-term pregnancy. She has worked in reproductive health since 1976, and was a childbirth educator for nearly 10 years. A healthcare professional and frequently requested guest lecturer, Nina presents talks and workshops locally and nationally. She is the Principal Investigator of an IRB-approved research study looking at how grandparents incorporate perinatal loss into their families.

Nina is a social activist who gives voice to the often silent grief of grandparents through her writing and speaking. Her articles and poetry have appeared in the anthology Mourning Sickness, The Broadkill Review, Slow Trains Literary Journal, Grief Digest, the News Journal, A.G.A.S.T., Different Kind of Parenting, M.I.S.S.ing Angels, and Living Well Journal. Nina is the author of Forgotten Tears A Grandmother’s Journey Through Grief.  Proceeds from her book are donated to MISS Foundation/AGAST, and other agencies supporting families bereaved by the death of a baby.

Listen to radio show archive: MP3 Link

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month

By Nina Bennett -

I know all too well the devastation of pregnancy and infant loss. My precious granddaughter Maddy, after a healthy full-term pregnancy and normal labor, with no indication of fetal distress, slid still from her mother’s womb. She was a perfectly formed, beautiful baby, with every indication that she would survive delivery. But she did not. As you can imagine, our entire family was devastated.

It turns out that Maddy was one of more than one million babies in the U.S. to die in pregnancy or in the first few months of life last year. For a long time, this was a loss that was rarely talked about. Fortunately, in 2006, October 15th was officially designated Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (H.Con.Res.222), and is marked by each year by ceremonies, memorial services, and efforts to raise money for research and education.

When Maddy died, one of my responses was to seek information and support about this kind of loss. This added yet another layer of pain.

According to the March of Dimes, stillbirths occur in about 1 in 200 pregnancies. Each year in the United States more than 26,000 babies are stillborn. That means that every day, 71 babies are stillborn, 142 mothers and fathers return home with empty arms, and 284 grandparents are devastated and often unable to comfort their grieving adult children.

The medical-care providers are left shaken and mourning as well. Up to half of all stillbirths occur in pregnancies that had seemed problem free. The International Stillbirth Alliance reports that “unexplained stillbirth in late pregnancy is the single largest cause of death in perinatal life in the Western world.” And these statistics are only for stillbirth. This may actually be an underestimate, because there are no national standards for reporting stillbirth.

Imagine my family’s distress when we found out that Maddy would not be issued a birth certificate. My son and daughter-in-law were given the paperwork for Maddy’s death certificate, but no acknowledgment was made of the baby’s life. My daughter-in-law embarked on her journey of healing by becoming an advocate for legislation that would change this additional injustice.

Arizona took a commendable step by passing legislation in 2001 to issue a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. Since then, 19 other states have joined Arizona. Beyond the psychological benefit to parents, which is enormous, this legislation allows for increased accuracy in tracking and reporting stillbirth.

As a society, we have made great strides in acknowledging and supporting family members bereaved by cancer, which once was an unspoken illness. It is time for our society to take action to reduce the incidence of perinatal loss and infant mortality, to speak openly about the void left by the death of a baby, and to acknowledge the large numbers of its citizens who struggle to rebuild meaning in a life challenged by the most horrific loss of all.

Nina Bennett has 4 grandchildren, one of whom was stillborn following a healthy full-term pregnancy. She has worked in reproductive health since 1976, and was a childbirth educator for nearly 10 years. A healthcare professional and frequently requested guest lecturer, Nina presents talks and workshops locally and nationally. She is the Principal Investigator of an IRB-approved research study looking at how grandparents incorporate perinatal loss into their family. Nina is the author of Forgotten Tears A Grandmother’s Journey Through Grief.  Proceeds from her book are donated to MISS Foundation/AGAST, and other agencies supporting families bereaved by the death of a baby. Reach Nina at Ninabde@aol.com.