Another New Year

Heidi and I hope that you are thinking of making a New Years resolution for 2009. For some of you, your resolution will be about managing and/or surviving your pain of loss – perhaps about just getting out of bed every morning. For some of you it will be about establishing a new “normal” and bringing some degree of balance back into your life. For all of us it is a time to take care of ourselves by getting enough rest, exercise and wholesome food and, perhaps even recreation. We can then reach out to others. Heidi and I believe that one of the things that will most support your healing from loss is to make an effort to reach out to others – bake a cake for a friend, run errands for a shut-in or write just one thank you note.

Last year our resolution was to start a foundation – we were asking you for ideas about names. That is done. We named it The Open to Hope Foundation and you can find its blog at http:www.opentohope.com. We also started blogs focused on the loss of a spouse, AIDS, cancer and others to better serve those of you who have suffered a loss. You can find links to these blogs at the bottom of The Grief Blog or on the Open to Hope blog. Our poetry contest was a huge success and we are planning to launch the 2009 poetry contest soon. We hope you’ll enter.

We found in 2008 that you, our blog visitors,  are a very loving and compassionate group who reach out to comfort and console each other through your letters, your comments to other’s posts and your poems.  We thank you for helping us make The Grief Blog a place people can come to learn, to share and to heal and we encourage you to continue to reach out to each other.

As 2009 unfolds you will see some changes and additions to the blogs that we hope you find helpful. We also have some wonderful guests and programs lined up for our radio show, Healing the Grieving Heart. We will walk through this year together.

We encourage you to let us hear from you. Let us know what you need and what you would like to see here.

Our wish for you is for hope and healing in 2009.

Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi

Creating a Grief Recovery Plan for 2009

By Tom Zuba –

The death of someone we love transforms us.  It has to.  Over time, we decide whether we are going to consciously participate in that transformation or if the transformation is going to be unconscious.  It’s a decision we make daily.  As we countdown to the New Year and talk of resolutions, it’s the perfect time to create a plan to consciously participate in our transformation, to consciously create our new life.

Some concrete steps to consider include:

Commit to active mourning.  Make the effort to find a therapist, a support group, a “grief buddy.”  Healing occurs when you find a safe place where you can excavate, explore and express your grief in the presence of others.  Being stoic, pretending, repressing, rejecting, ignoring all that wells up inside of you is not a path to healing.

Commit to going outside and walking in nature every day, even if it’s only for five minutes and you have to force yourself to do it.  Build up to ten minutes, then 15 or 20.  Lose yourself in nature.  Over time, notice the change of seasons.  Spring always follows winter.  The days get brighter.  What appeared to be dead brings forth new life.

Commit to finding ways to release the heavy, burdensome energy stored in your body.  A massage therapist cannot only help you physically relax but he/she can help your body release stored energy and even memory that no longer serves you.  Consider working with a Reiki master or a Craniosacral therapist.  At the very least, the physical touch will be healing.

Commit to spending quiet time with yourself every day, to simply BE with yourself and your new life.  Again, even if you have to force yourself to be quiet and alone for five minutes - do it.  Over time, five minutes becomes 10, becomes 15, and then 20.  If you keep running from yourself and your new life, how can you live it?  How can you consciously participate in it?  Pray.  Meditate.  Ask.  Listen.  Be.  Receive.  Allow.  Surrender.  Feel.

Commit to writing in a gratitude journal every day.  Do this first thing in the morning or last thing at night.  Buy a journal.  Put it by your bed.  Write five things you are grateful for every day.  At first, you may simply be glad another day is over.  You may be thankful for the soft pillow, the comfortable bed, the warm blankets.  And then you may remember that the first cup of coffee actually tasted good and you’re grateful for that.  And one day you notice the sun in the sky.

Commit to being gentle with yourself.  Really gentle.  Trusting life enough so that you are willing to create new dreams takes time.  Lots of time.  As the saying goes, we often take one step forward and two steps back.  Healing is a process.  It’s a journey.  Be gentle.

As this New Year unfolds, set the intention to heal.  Set the intention to consciously participate in your own transformation. A New Year. A New Life.

Tom Zuba is an author, inspirational speaker, and workshop facilitator. Reach him through his website, www.tomzuba.com.

This article first appeared on http://www.opentohope.com

Will I Ever Feel Better? And If So, When?

By Frieda Ferrick

We all have experienced sadness and grief at one time or another in our lifetime. Working with people who have had a difficult loss, whether they have been in grief groups I have facilitated or seen privately, the questions asked are:

1. Will I ever feel better?
2. Will I ever get over the sadness?
3. How could this have happened? It seems so unfair.
4. Will I ever get back to my life, and is it okay to get back to my life?

There can be a feeling of disloyalty, if a person starts to do activities where she or he are having a good time.

Grieving over the death of a family member or a dear friend, a loss of a relationship, or helath loss takes time and lots of it. You can feel as though you are on a out of control rollar coaster. As you dip and twirl, the grief can creep up on you unexpectedly and take you for its demented ride and then drop you like a bag of cement. You can get some relief of your intense feelings for awhile and without any warning waves of sadness can re-occur.

It is important that you understand that:

1. You are not crazy.
2. Your memory will come back; any people complain they are forgetting keys, appointents or other personal items.
3. Life might feel different for quite awhile.

Well meaning friends and family might try to minimize your feelings or want you to quickly get back to the person you used to be. You are not a bad or a good erson for grieving in your own particular way. Grief takes its own time. People are all different, there is no time line that is corrct for each person.

If you feel depressed for a long period of time, let’s say over six months to a year, you might want to get some support and/or professional help.

A group works for some people and lets you know you are not alone with your sorrow. It could be helpful to be with other people going through similar circumstances.

Some people are more private and might not be ready to be in a group due to the intensity of their feelings, they may need individual counseling. You have a right to be sad and also a right to heal your heart. In time and with help you will begin to feel better. http://www.friedaferrick.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Frieda_Ferrick

Visit with God

By Lana Golembeski -

God visited me as I was sitting on the beach.
I could feel His gentle, loving touch and hear
His sweet and tender voice.
He held me tight and I felt so very safe.
His love filled my entire body and soul.
My toes to my fingers tingled with His great love.
He smiled at my silliness in my thoughts….and even laughed out loud!
My thoughts turned to Alicia and how much I missed her.
He comforted me and reassured me that she is so happy in heaven.
I prayed that He might let me visit her in heaven.
I just want to see her, to touch her, to hear her voice…
to tell her how much I miss and love her.
The love of God filled my entire soul.
It warmed my heart beyond my understanding.
I knew there was no greater love than God’s love.
Yes, God spent the afternoon at the beach with me yesterday.
He walks by my side every day and carries me when I can no longer walk.
He gives me strength and courage and His undying love….forever.

How to Survive the Holidays - Tips For Grievers

By Sandy Clendenen - The holidays can be a very difficult time for those who are grieving. The holidays are all about spending time with family and friends. The holidays are all about traditions such as special meals or special trips or special gifting rituals or special gatherings. I remember my first holiday season after I lost my husband. I went away to be with family, but it felt like I was in the wrong place. I felt so conflicted that I actually developed a bad cold. With senses numb from sneezing and coughing, the days somehow seemed more manageable. I think many grievers become overwhelmed with conflicting feelings during the holidays. Questions arise about how to best cope during this festive season when you are not feeling festive. TIPS: 1) Be honest with yourself. Your loved one is gone physically. Acknowledge that no matter what you do, things won’t be the same. I believe that this acknowledgment can really help alleviate confusion and frustration. 2) Decide to take control of your participation in holiday events. Ask yourself if you want to continue with previous traditions. And if you do, be clear about the reasons you want to continue with these traditions. You have lost your loved one. You had no control over that, but you do have control over how you choose to spend your holiday. 3) Consider volunteering at a shelter or soup kitchen. Sometimes a few hours spent helping others can really help alleviate feelings of sadness and loss. 4) Consider some different holiday options. If you have always stayed home, go visit a friend or take a road trip or go hiking. While the holidays can be a difficult time for grievers, they can also be a time to really review what is important in your life. Writing about your feelings can be a very informative and empowering experience. If you don’t already journal, pick up a blank notebook at your office supply store and just begin writing about your feelings regarding the holidays and holiday traditions. Writing causes thinking. Your inner wisdom will guide you as you allow the writing process to unfold. As you become clearer about your feelings you will begin to feel a sense of inner empowerment. This feeling of empowerment is one of the transformative gifts that can unfold through the grieving process. Consider your options. As you begin to discover your options and realize that you do have choices, the holidays can afford you the opportunity to see more deeply into your own identity as a griever, but also as someone who is moving through and beyond your grief. Sandy Clendenen provides resources and services to empower widows who are feeling stuck in their grief to move beyond grief and into the new life they deserve to live. For more information, please go to http://movebeyondgrief.com or http://howtohealgrief.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Sandy_Clendenen

Five Tips For Grievers During the Holidays

By Jane Galbraith — The first Christmas without my mother was agony. Actually the month before was probably worse than the day itself. Because my mother had been sick between December 6 and January 11, I relived the whole month, which included Christmas and New Year’s Day. I tried to do things that I had done with my mother in hopes of making everything ”all right”. But of course, it would never be the same. Grief causes physical and emotional pain. Baby Boomers have come to expect instant pain relief in this fast paced society. Unfortunately, Baby Boomers will be facing this chapter in their lives in a culture that does not give grief the respect or validation it deserves. Grief is an emotion that our society does not want to discuss. We have been inundated with expressions such as “get on with life” and “closure” and “getting back to normal”. None of these expressions or attitudes helps the grief stricken. The holidays create even more pain to those grieving. They are a painful reminder of those who are no longer in our lives on a daily basis. What should be a festive and happy time does not feel like it for the grief stricken. There is an enormous amount of pressure to act “normal” during these holiday times. This seems like an insurmountable task at this time. It is exhausting. Here are some things that may help you get through these difficult situations: Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. If journaling or using a support group or special person generally helps, then make sure you take advantage of them during holiday times. Keep up any traditions that the deceased person started and you can continue. It helps you feel you are honouring the deceased. Try to establish new traditions that make you and your family feel good about the holiday or include activities you enjoy. Talk about your loved one with friends and family and encourage them to share favorite stories with you. Take care of yourself during this stressful time. Anything that makes you feel better should be done. This could be a long walk, massage, listening to music and getting enough sleep. Holidays are a difficult time but there are ways to get through them without hiding from the pain. Even though the holidays may not be as celebratory as last year, the days pass and you do survive!!! Jane Galbraith, BScN, R.N., is the author of “Baby Boomers Face Grief - Survival andRecovery”. Her work in the community health field included dealing with palliative clients and their bereaved families and has also assisted facilitating grief support groups. She speaks to many organizations about the subject. Her book is available through the author directly at jane.galbraith@sympatico.ca or www.amazon.ca. More information about the book can be found at www.trafford.com/05-2319. © 2008 Jane Galbraith

I Lost My Daughter

From The Grief Blog, March 27, 2008

I lost my daughter Lanai on March 9, 2008. She would have been my first. I miss her so much and it hurts. I know that I will get through it but dealing with this alone has been extremely difficult. I find comfort in reading everyone’s comments to each other and praying. I know that she is in a special place and watches over me every day. Although I was only 4 months along, I fell in love with her the first moment that I was pregnant. When my water broke I feel like time stood still because I can remember everything that happened that day. I prayed on the way to the hospital but I already knew… when I got to the hospital she was still there, heartbeat and everything, but no fluid. I was crushed. I really can’t express things anymore. But I know through God this too shall pass.

Dena

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Resond
Dear Dena,

We are so very sorry for your loss. It has been such a short time and your pain is so fresh that few words can console and right now nothing takes away the pain and deep sense of loss. This is a time to be very gentle with yourself. It is so easy (and so normal) to assume guilt for what happened. Know that there is most likely nothing you did to cause this and nothing you could have done to prevent it. And we know there is no pain that compare with the loss of your baby. It is important to knw, as well, that there are  no rules for grieving. Each one grieves in her own way and in her own time so allow yourself the time and space to grieve knowing that there will come a time when the pain becomes more bearable.

You say you are having to go through this alone. There is a wonderful group called The Compassionate Friends that is available to you when you are ready. Each member of the group has lost a child, whether during a pregnancy or after birth at any age. They understand what you are experiencing and can give you the comfort and support you need. If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact  your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation.  However, we understand that groups are not for everyone.  If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support.  We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.  You can find them at http://www.compassionatefriends.org

You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com

You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://www.thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/   We recommend in particular:

        January 24, 2008
        Pregnancy Loss: Our babies are just a cloud away
        Guest: Diana Gardner-Williams
     

       October 11, 2007
       Coping with Pregnancy and Infant Loss
       Guest: Monica Novak

       January 18, 2007
       Grieving the Stillborn Child
       Guest: Lorraine Ash

We will post your letter on the first page of The Grief Blog and we encourage you to check periodically for comments from our very loving and compassionate readers. You will find there are many who share your grief and that you truly are not alone.

And yes, through God this too shall pass.

Sincerely,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

From The Grief Blog at www.thegriefblog.com

Editor’s note: the following Healing the Grieving Heart radio program recently aired and also pertains to this topic:

October 30, 2008
Miscarriage and Infant Loss
Guests: Monica Novak and Beth Seyda

How Do I Help My Niece - Her Baby Was Stillborn

From The Grief Blog, May 14, 2008

My niece, suzanne, gave birth Monday, May 12, 2008 to a 6 lb 8 oz little boy. The baby was stillborn. Her pregnancy was fine and she had been to the doctor the previous Friday. Baby’s heart beat was strong and she discussed inducing labor with her doctor. They scheduled it for Saturday, May 17th. On Sunday she started to feel not so well and put a call into her doctor. She was given an appt. for the next morning. During her visit they were not able to hear a heartbeat so they did an ultrasound and discovered there was no longer any life in the baby. They sent her directly to the hospital and induced her labor. She has a 5 year old son who was born thru c-section so she had not yet experienced giving birth vaginally. She later told me it was the hardest thing she ever did. They also were able to hold the baby and the nurses took numerous photos with the baby and various family members. She was given a small teddy bear that was dressed in the clothes the baby wore. She also has a darling keepsake box that holds the baby’s footprints, a handprint and a lock of his hair. That is what she will take home with her when she leaves the hospital today. They are in the process of planning a service for the baby. I have experienced many losses in my lifetime starting with my dad when I was 5 yrs. old. I lost a younger brother to suicide and several other losses along life’s way. But I have never felt such a sadness as I feel now. To see my niece go from expecting to bring home a baby boy next week to planning his burial in a matter of hours is indescribable. I sat with her yesterday for a time and just held her hand and cried with her. She looks so much in disbelief. My heart aches for her and I want to help her. I am very close with her as her own mother is an alchoholic and can provide no real support. My brother, her dad, is there for her but he too is at a loss. The normal order of life has been switched around and we have no precedent for this situation. I am looking for knowledge on how to help my niece get thru this. If there is information available in the Cincinnati, Ohio area to teach me how to help her please tell me. I am a christian and believe in God’s eternal plan but I need help with this one. Thank You, Aunt Katherine

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond

Dear Katherine,

You have done the best thing possible right now - to sit and hold her hand and cry with her. For this kind of loss there are simply no words that console or comfort. She is lucky to have you. She may need help just getting the details of the burial accomplished - it is a tremendously hard thing to do. You don’t mention her husband - he may also need comforting and may not be able to console her now because of his own grief.

Her emotions may be much too raw right at this time to respond to any kind of help and there are simply no guidlines to tell you when she will be ready. Each person grieves in her own time and way. You sound like a very wise and compassionate woman and you will notice the little clues she gives you clues as to when she is ready. Your loving presence and undestanding is probably what she needs the most right now.

When she is ready there is a wonderful group called The Compassionate Friends. http://www.compassionatefriends.org. Each member has lost a child or a sibling and they understand what she is experiencing. They do have groups in Cincinnati and you might like to contact them to find  the group located nearest to your niece. They also have an online support group for mothers who have lost babies during pregnancy or at birth. These may be of help to her later on. She may also need the help of a professional grief counselor for a period of time but it is too soon to determine that.

It also may be helpful for you to listen to some of the archived programs of our radio show, Healing the Grieving Heart. You can find these at http://www.thegriefblog.com and clicking on Radio Show Archives at the top. or by clicking http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/  There are some programs dealing with grief in general and some specifically about stillborn and infant loss. We recommend:

January 24, 2008
Pregnancy Loss: Our babies are just a cloud away
Guest: Diana Gardner-Williams

October 11, 2007
Coping with Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Guest: Monica Novak

Our live show is aired on Thursday mornings at 9 a.m. Pacific Time. This week’s guest is Dr. William Worden who is a nationally recognized grief counselor and author. His words may be helpful to you in knowing how to comfort your niece.  Often we read letters on the show so you may, if possible, want to listen this week. We wlll also post your letter on The Grief Blog. Not only will it help others but it may possibly bring you answers to some of your questions as our readers respond  to you plea for help.You might like to check periodically for comments.

From The Grief Blog at www.thegriefblog.com

Editor’s note: the following Healing the Grieving Heart radio program recently aired and also pertains to this topic:

October 30, 2008
Miscarriage and Infant Loss
Guests: Monica Novak and Beth Seyda

I Dreamed Today

I DREAMED TODAY, of a little one being born, with ten little toes, ten little fingers and a pug little nose,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY, that my little one opened her eyes and noticed that I was her mom, and she looked at me with such a smile and eyes so bright it took my breath away,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY that I cooed and tickled my little one and hoped that this feeling of undying love we shared would never end so that I could forever hear my little ones’ laughter,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY, that my little one and I played peek a boo so many times that I knew that this day would be the best day ever,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY, that my little one spoke my name for the first time, “Mom,”  oh, I thought that all the air in the world had been taken into my lungs and what a sigh of pure pleasure that escaped me,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY,  that my little one follows me wherever I go, helping, and chatting away, asking questions upon questions and having all the confidence in the world that her Mom would have the answers,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY, of  my little one’s first day at school, so shy, so frightened, and yet so excited to see other little ones to play with. I was beaming as I saw how brave my little one was when she let go of my hand, and I thought to myself my little one’s first real steps to independence,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY, of my little one’s many accomplishments in life, and her many dreams of what she would love to be when she grew up,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY, of my little one’s first love, first kiss on the cheek, and her first broken heart, and I was saddened because my little one is growing up so fast before my very eyes,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY, of my little one’s first trials and errors and how frightened I was when she had chosen the wrong path,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY, of my little one as she thought she knew more than I, and believed that her friends would guide her on the right path. I worried,  I screamed, and I shared what had happened to me and many of my friends at this very difficult time of growing up,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY, of my little one as she is pulling away from me searching for her own way in life. I say to her “take it easy, enjoy life, be careful, and always remember that I, the family and GOD are always here for you,”
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY, of my little one as two of her dreams come true, she marries the man of her dreams and gives birth to a little one of her own,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY, as my little one’s world comes crashing down all around her. Her perfect dream was falling apart and she chooses to escape it in ways not meant to help her cope but meant to push her further away from herself, her family, her own little one, God and there was nothing I could do to stop it,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY, of my little one who decided that she was not good enough for her family, for her little one, or the world. I watch my little one slowly die of  broken dreams and a broken heart, and I cried, and cried for my little one,  for my love is not enough to help her come back to me or us,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY that I reminded my little one how special she is,  how much she has to offer not only to herself, and to her own little one, but to the world.  I watched as her smile disappeared and her once bright eyes grew duller with each passing day, and neither my words, nor my love nor my arms could ease her pain,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY, that my little one fell asleep, had the sweetest dream and decided that she finally knew where she belongs.  My little one decided that in the ARMS OF GOD is  where she belongs HOME where there is nothing but laughter and love, a HOME we all call HEAVEN,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY that I will try to remember that my little one is not suffering anymore, that HEAVEN/HOME is where she chose to go for peace,
AND I PRAYED.
 
I DREAMED TODAY that I must learn to understand, why my little one is no longer with us, and today I did not feel like praying, but I was sure that my little one was praying for us all,
AND SO I PRAYED.    
 
Written By
Audrey Szabo
for my Little One and ME
Oct. 23, 2007

from The Grief Blog at www.thegriefblog.com

Breaking Out of the Grief Bubble

By Harriet Hodgson -

Grief is a complex process, so complex that mourners may not see themselves clearly. As a friend of mine commented, “You think you’re doing well [in grief] but you really aren’t.” I kept doing my grief work after losing four loved ones, and thought I was doing well. Family members and friends, however, knew I was in a grief bubble, a person totally absorbed in grief.

Now I am able to see how isolated I was and how others saw me. I am also able to see that I have broken out of the grief bubble — poked a giant hole to let fresh air, new experiences, and new ideas into my life. What do I mean when I say I have broken out of the grief bubble?

Increased physical activity was one of the first signs. Certainly, I was not physically active when I sat on the couch week after week and stared into space. Today, I am racing around for my twin grandchildren and making a conscious effort to walk for health. Walking makes me feel better physically and mentally.

Friends stuck with me during the grief process and now I am reaching out to them. I have invited 13 friends to a holiday luncheon next week. To seat everyone I have to put a card table at the end of the dining table. Though we will be scrunched together my friends will not mind. We will share feelings, tell stories and, if my past luncheons are any indication, laugh a lot.

Breaking out of the grief bubble has made me more aware of national and local news. I followed the presidential election closely, for example, and learned that the local food shelves were running low on supplies.So I delivered groceries and a check to the food bank. Though I am aware of the news, I still watch only one newscast a day for emotional self-defense.

The return of humor was another thing I noticed. My sense of humor is back big time. I trade one-liners with family members, store clerks, and even strangers. Humor has always been part of my personality and I missed it during my grief journey. I think the ablity to laugh as a sign of recovery.

Breaking out of the grief bubble takes time. At first, I poked a few trial holes to see the “lay of the land.” Then I poked a larger hole and stuck my head out to see what might happen. Finally, I poked a huge hole and said, “Enough grief! Enough tears! I want to join life again.” In order to do this, I had to reorganize my life and plan a future without my loved ones.

I am living that life now. Some aspects of my new life are the same as the old, such as my writing career. Other aspects, like raising my 16-year-old twin grandchildren, are new. Life is exciting again. My life no longer belongs to grief, it belongs to me.

Copyrigh 2008 by Harriet Hodgson http://www.harriethodgson.com

Harriet Hodgson has been an independent journalist for 30 years. She is a member of the Association of Health Care Journlaists and the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Her 24th book, “Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief,” written with Lois Krahn, MD, is available from http://www.amazon.com

Centering Corporation in Omaha, Nebraska — North America’s oldest and largest grief resource center– has published her 26th book, “Writing to Recover: The Journey from Loss and Grief to a New Life.”

The company has also published two companion resources, the “Writing to Recover Journal,” which contains 100 writing affirmations, and the “Writing to Recover Calendar,” which contains life affirmations.

Please visit Harriet’s website and learn more about this busy author and grandmother.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Harriet_Hodgson

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