Myth Conceptions of Parental Grief

by David Hurley -

Over the past several years I have heard several people make ridiculous and shocking statements regarding parental grief. Most of the time they think they can help, and usually they are well meaning folks. They are comfortable in their ignorance of the realities associated with the loss of a child. Many of the statements have been heard from more than one source so they are common “knowledge.” Those inexperienced in this loss have accepted this conventional “wisdom.” They want to share it with everyone because it somehow seems logical.

I call these beliefs “mythconceptions.” They are myths in the truest sense. Passed along from many sources they become part of the fabric of grief to the uninitiated. They are almost misconceptions since people seem to internalize them before they pass them on.

I will share some mythconceptions here with a few tasteful (hopefully) comments:

“I didn’t want to say anything because I was afraid I would remind you of (fill in the name).” That’s really considerate of you. I almost forgot. Ten more minutes··· Yeah!!! Right!!! What ever makes anyone think we could ever forget? They have no idea how long it is before a day begins without the thought of a missing child. The thought is there quickly, but it NEVER goes away.

“I know just how you feel. My dog died last year.” Whatever you do, DO NOT SAY THE FIRST THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR MIND. Take a deep breath and explain that you too had dogs and cats (maybe even some fish and birds). Have buried several, and that it does not even come close in the level of pain or the lasting feeling of emptiness that accompanies the death of a child.

“Isn’t it time you just moved on?” Move on to where? We have moved. You should have seen us the first moment/hour/day/week/month/year. We are dealing with the grief, but it will never be gone completely. No one completely gets over the death of any loved one. The biggest problem a bereaved parent faces is that this is so backwards. We are supposed to bury our parents. We may bury siblings and many friends. Our children are supposed to bury us. Our brain was never prepared for this possibility.

“God only gives you what you can bear.” Maybe He has me confused with someone much stronger. In fact, if He gave this to me, I have a serious problem with Him. Help through this is welcome, the need for the help is not.

“At least you have other children so it won’t hurt as bad.” To this I want to respond: “Which of your children are you ready to sacrifice?” People who actually say this have missed the latest dose of oxygen needed for brain function. While we love each of our children differently, we love each of them unconditionally. They do not share our heart in pieces, each one fills our heart completely.

“At least they were older so you had enough time with them.” Enough time? How much is ‘enough’ time? As my children age I realize that I am in a different stage of being a parent, but a parent none the less. I will never have enough time with my children. They are busy (I guess I know where they learned that) and it is often difficult for us to find time to get together.

“At least he (or she) was just a baby so you did not get the chance to get attached to them.” Once again, this is an obvious lack of oxygen to the brain. We are attached to our children before they are even born. We plan, hope, prepare nurseries, and pick out names, dream of the future together. Early death crushes us beneath the weight of grief.

“At least you are young enough to have more children.” That classic causes as much hurt as any. When someone says that it would be appropriate to say: “You are also young enough, so give us one of yours and YOU have another one!” Even if we are young enough (I am not) we cannot replace the child that died. If they could be replaced so easily they would all be the same. I know from experience that each child in the house is different and fills the heart in a way no other can.

“At least they won’t grow up to be on drugs (or in other trouble.)” Well, that certainly makes me feel better. I am sure I would have been such a terrible parent and they would have faced such terrible outside influences that life would have been unbearable. Guess again. I would give any thing to have the opportunity to face all of those problems with my child. What we are talking about here is HOPE.

“At least they are in a better place.” That helped a lot. We try to provide the best place possible and make reservations for that better place for a much later date. The date for that reservation should be a long time after they bury us.

You may notice the last six mythconceptions begin with “At least.” I think it is safe to say that whenever someone begins a comment with “At least” you can expect that it will hurt more than help. “At least” minimizes the facts and puts you on the defensive if you allow it.

I am certain I have missed a few mythconceptions. If you happen to think of some I should include please email me at David.Hurley@gte.net. Awareness is the best defense against these comments. Education of the folks making these comments should be done with care and understanding because their ignorance is truly bliss. We can truly hope they are never “one of us.”

Perinatal Loss with guest Dr. Lina Kaplan

From Healing the Grieving Heart radio, March 20, 2008

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Dr. Lina Kaplan is a licensed psychologist in Los Angeles with over 17 years of diverse clinical experience. She specializes in infertility, pregnancy and neonatal losses. A multi-lingual (English, Hebrew, Russian and basic Spanish) Dr. Kaplan also specializes in the emotional challenges associated with cross-cultural transitions. Additional areas of her professional expertise include the mind-body connection and trauma. In addition to her private practice, Dr. Kaplan teaches psychology graduate students at Pepperdine University, California Graduate Institute and students of Chinese medicine at Yo San University of Traditional Chinese Medicine. 

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Pregnancy Loss: Our Babies are Just a Cloud Away with guest Diana Gardner-Williams

From Healing the Grieving Heart radio, January 24, 2008

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Diana Gardner-Williams is the mother of a three-year-old son, two early pregnancy losses, and one stillbirth.  Nearly three years after losing her stillborn son Tanner, Diana set out to provide a creative outlet for parents to acknowledge and preserve the legacy of their “angel babies.”   Diana is owner and founder of Just a Cloud Away Inc., which provides specialty scrapbook remembrance kits to families grieving the loss of their baby.  Diana is also a professional landscape designer who has a passion for developing Memory Gardens to help those grieving the loss of a loved one.  For more information visit www.justacloudaway.com

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Coping with Pregnancy and Infant Loss with guest Monica Novak

 From Healing the Grieving Heart radio, October 11, 2007

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Following the stillbirth of her daughter Miranda in 1995, Monica Novak joined a support group, which included six women who had also lost babies to miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death.  The women quickly bonded and began the journey through grief and trying to get pregnant again.  Monica chronicles their journey of healing and friendship in her book The Good Grief Club.  The women are still friends today and have turned their pain into a new way of living, giving back by helping other bereaved parents.  For more information about The Good Grief Club, please visit www.thegoodgriefclub.com or e-mail the author at monica@thegoodgriefclub.com

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How to Support a Friend Who is Grieving a Miscarriage or Infant Death

By Chellie Bonebrake -

The death of an infant or a miscarriage is so sad. Many times it’s difficult to know what to say, how to say it, and of course you may be wondering what not to say. Often those worries keep people from reaching out to support friends and loved ones who are experiencing this loss. Receiving support and condolences is very important to the grief process. This article is written to assist you in supporting a grieving parent.

FIRST OF ALL, WHAT HELPS:

1. I’m sorry. This simple sentence conveys so much. It means you care, you acknowledge the loss, and you understand the person you care about is in pain.

2. What can I do to support you? Asking this question allows the grieving parent to ask specifically for what they need. They may need help making phone calls, or funeral arrangements. They may need help with childcare for other children. They may want you to remember their child’s birthday with them. By asking this question you offer your friendship and caring for the grieving parents’ specific needs.

3. Listen. Grieving parents need to talk about their feelings, their lost hopes and dreams. They need to express feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, and devastation. Being available to listen to those feelings and not trying to make the situation better or offering solutions is a true gift.

4. Send a sympathy gift. Receiving a sympathy gift that specifically honors the miscarriage or infant loss provides enfolding comfort to grieving parents. Knowing that someone cared enough to honor their grief with a gift validates this tragic loss and provides comfort in a time when comfort is difficult to find.

WHAT NOT TO SAY:

Sometimes in an effort to try and make someone feel better we may say things or want to say things that in this situation don’t help. If you read this and find you have already said some of these things, call or write your friend and apologize. Let your friend know your intention was to offer sympathy and support and if some of your comments were offensive you are sorry. This apology will go a long way in letting your grieving friend know you care.

1. “I know how you feel” or offer comparison stories. The death of a child is a unique experience for everyone and grieving people often bristle when someone utters this statement. The child this parent is grieving had unique hopes and dreams and characteristics and this parent was in their own unique circumstance. Each person’s grief is different.

2. “At least…” Any statements that have at least in them; at least she didn’t suffer, at least you didn’t have to go through labor… What these statements imply is: look on the bright side. To the grieving parent there is not a bright side of this situation. Only death and loss.

3. “Should” statements. You should go on a vacation, you should focus on the healthy children you have, you should move on. The grieving parent will need to decide how to manage the grief process and it at this time it is likely they are in survival mode and just trying to get through the day, the hour, the month. Thinking about what should be done only adds to the misery.

4. “You can have another baby.” Hopefully these grieving parents will have this opportunity when they are ready. However, right now they need to focus on their grief, their loss, and no child will replace this child who died.

Thanks for supporting a grieving friend. Caring friends are an essential part of the healing process and make a difficult time a little easier. If you have additional questions please feel free to write dearchellie@acknowledgements.net. We appreciate your business and the support you offer to those who are grieving.

www.acknowledgements.net

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Chellie_Bonebrake

Grieving the Stillborn Child with guest Lorraine Ash

From Healing the Grieving Heart radio and The Grief Blog, January 18, 2007

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Lorraine Ash, 46, author of Life Touches Life: A Mother’s Story of Stillbirth and Healing, has been a full-time journalist since 1982, the year she earned her master’s degree at Fordham University in the Bronx.

A native New Jerseyan, she began her newspaper career in her home state and has remained there, currently writing for the Daily Record in Parsippany, New Jersey. Her feature articles and series, particularly on women’s issues as well as physical and mental health, have won national, state, and regional awards and appeared in daily newspapers across the country.

Lorraine, a member of The International Women’s Writing Guild, also has explored other writing genres. A published essayist and playwright, she has written on topics that range from the historicala close look at the lives and characters of some American presidents, to the personal identity and intimacy.

Writers often find the stories that are truly theirs to tell in the midst of suffering and struggle, she said. Certainly it was that way for me after the stillbirth of my daughter, Victoria. My pen helped me change my view of life, justice, God and myself. The act of writing brings meaning.

As a workshop leader, she helps others shape the raw stuff of their livesexperiences, emotions and thoughtsinto compelling prose that transforms, moves and inspires.

Pain is not just to be felt, she said. It can be used to better the world, and literature is a perfect way for the transmutation to take place. There is great healing in telling our stories well and listening to those of others.

As a peer grief contact, Lorraine works one-on-one with stillbirth mothers. She also is an advisor to the Public Awareness Committee of the International Stillbirth Alliance.

Lorraine lives in Allendale, New Jersey, with her husband, Bill, a jazz trumpeter. Her passions include Hindu philosophy, bookstores and libraries, good food, fitness, and the state of Maine. Currently she is working on a book about holistic healing.

On June 1, 1999, Lorraine Ash expected to experience the best day of her life. It was the day her daughter, Victoria Helen, was to be born. This was a daughter who had been conceived on the first try and the pregnancy was flawless. Little Victoria’s arrival seemed destined.

Instead of jubilance, though, Lorraine felt the most searing anguish of her life. Her precious daughter’s heart had stopped beating and no one in the hospital - not even on the biggest, fanciest machine - could find it. Victoria had vanished. Why? Under what God’s watch could such a thing happen? What did this mean?

After a C-section, the symptomless, silent Group B Strep infection that claimed Victoria’s life then threatened Lorraine’s life. There she was in a great university hospital at the end of the 20th century fighting the childbirth fever most people associate with historical novels. For 15 days, her fever spiked to 103 and then dropped until, finally, her doctor isolated the infection and eradicated it. Lorraine knew she would live, but into what life was she delivered? Certainly not the one she knew before and during the pregnancy.

She lived in the heart of her anguish and her grief and her love, all of which spilled from her pen onto the page. Lorraine needed to pick up the shattered pieces of her life and work with them. Her relationships changed. Weak ones fell away, strong ones grew stronger, new ones grew in the changed emotional landscape of her soul. Her window on the world changed and, as she saw with different eyes, do did her view of the cosmos and her place in it. To her surprise and relief, she found she had not lost her faith in God but had instead changed her concept of God.

At the time of the stillbirth of Victoria, Lorraine had been a journalist for 18 years. She also was a published playwright and essayist and had written hundreds of stories about other people’s lives. Here, though, was her story. Instinctively, she started writing her way through grief and into a new identity, becoming a woman capable of enjoying a spiritual relationship with her daughter. On her journey Lorraine searched for a full-blown narrative account of a stillbirth mother’s travels through her experience. She wanted to know so badly that someone else had been on the terrain and made it through. But she could not find the book she needed, though she did discover that in the United States today 71 mothers a day go through what she endured. Stillbirth was no anomaly from the history books.

Lorraine’s own writings went on to become the book she could not find-Life Touches Life: A Mother’s Story of Stillbirth and Healing, published in 2004. In the past three years the book has winged its way into the hearts of thousands of stillbirth parents across the globe. Many correspond with Lorraine and even stay in close touch as they proceed into the next phases of their lives, some with subsequent babies, some not. Today Lorraine feels Life Touches Life is enough to have made this lifetime worthwhile for her. It fills a void. It calls back to the stillbirth parents of another generation that they are alone. It offers solace and perspective. It sounds the call for the medical community and the United States Congress to deem stillbirth a significant family issue worthy of attention and money and research.

Life Touches Life is the way Victoria Helen exists in this plane of existence. Through it, this angelic baby and her mother continue to live together and make a difference. Their message is clear and runs counter to the cultural wisdom of the day that a stillbirth is something to be forgotten, to put behind us. No. Stillbirth is a huge human experience with a valuable human legacy all its own and it is a legacy that needs and deserves to be honored and addressed.

Today, Lorraine teaches Wisdom of Words: Writing to Heal the Spirit, a workshop she created and continues to develop to help bereaved parents articulate their own pain and triumphs on the page. They write to discover the lights of insight contained within their experiences. The workshop features multi-layered healing exercises and drives home the point that suffering and struggle are not derailments of the lives we were supposed to live. Not at all. They are our fates and by writing through them we can even learn to love them and use them to make the world better.

Suffering and struggle are opportunities for each of us to find our highest selves - the most satisfying and blissful thing any of us can do.

Lorraine lives in Allendale, New Jersey, with her husband, Bill, a jazz trumpeter.

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Pregnancy After Pregnancy Loss

By Dr Lina Kaplan -

Pregnancy loss presents a formidable challenge to bereaved parents. Grieving parents often report a profound sense of isolation and alienation at the time when they most need support.  Many people do not fully appreciate the attachment that already has formed between the parents and their unborn child, nor the symbolic losses associated with pregnancy loss. Grieving parents, therefore, often feel their loss is minimized and trivialized (“it is all for the best”, “you are young, you’ll be pregnant in no time”) and feel both internal and external pressure to “move on”.

One way in which individuals and couples do, in fact, attempt to “move on” after a pregnancy loss is by prematurely getting pregnant again.  There is a desire to “get back on track” by having a baby without allowing sufficient time to mourn the loss of the previous pregnancy.  Many who rush into another pregnancy within 2-6 months after a loss, typically think of a new pregnancy as a way of coping with the loss. This is often an attempt to forget the pain, to re-establish normalcy and their identity as parents.  However, there are usually some concerns with this decision. 

During the new pregnancy, when a woman needs to be preoccupied with the new life inside of her, she often finds herself sadly preoccupied with the previous loss. Many women who got pregnant prematurely after pregnancy loss often report they are unable to be fully present, to enjoy their new pregnancy, and often experience difficulty in bonding with the child who grows inside of them.  They report anxiety, fear, guilt and obsessive preoccupation with the previous pregnancy and its loss.

On the other end on the spectrum, some women and their partners report experiencing paralyzing anxiety over the next pregnancy. They may need encouragement and support to move on and to become pregnant once again.  They need help in resolving the emotional trauma (and sometimes physical trauma as well) associated with the previous pregnancy that may prevent them from wanting to get pregnant again. For some couples, the timing of a new pregnancy becomes a source of conflict as each partner goes through a different grieving process, on a different time line and may have different feelings about another pregnancy.

In the safety of the therapeutic environment in a form of individual therapy, couples therapy and/or a support group, parents are helped by sharing their experience and are supported to express their sadness, anger, guilt, shame and bitterness. Such an environment provides parents with a safe opportunity to discuss their thoughts, feelings, and differences associated with plans for a new pregnancy.  It allows parents to examine their motivation, the timing of a new pregnancy, and to make a conscious decision that will benefit not only them but their future child as well.

Dr. Lina Kaplan is a licensed psychologist in Los Angeles with over 17 years of diverse clinical experience. She specializes in infertility, pregnancy and neonatal losses. Multi-lingual (English, Hebrew, Russian and basic Spanish), Dr. Kaplan is also specializes in the emotional challenges associated with cross-cultural transitions. Dr. Kaplan discussed Perinatal Loss on the radio show “Healing the Grieving Heart”  with Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi Horsley.  To listen to this show, go to:  www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley032008.mp3

To learn more about Dr. Kaplan’s work, go to:  www.drlinakaplan.com.     You can reach her directly at:   drlinakaplan@aol.com