New Year Offers a Chance to Start Fresh

By Mary Jane Hurley Brant – When we have lost someone we love we want to feel some hope again. I have faith in the healing process and I welcome 2009 with open arms and yes, hope for healing, too. But I’m not just hoping. I’ve done my homework too. I’ve reflected back on the previous year and absorbed the lessons that it had to offer.  Mythological history offers us advice in that regard.  For example, look at Janus, the Roman god of beginnings. He had a psychological mind-set that allowed him to look both backwards and forwards at the same time. Can we do that after loss?  Yes, we absolutely can; we can take the information learned from the previous year of living with loss, integrate it to become more conscious, and subsequently grow and evolve in body, mind and spirit. Let me offer you, my friends, some ways to greet 2009 with renewed compassion and hope after loss for your body, your mind and your spirit. For Your Body ~ First let’s have a definition of compassion. It is simply an awareness of ours or another’s suffering and the willingness to work toward alleviating it. Have you treated your body with compassion?  If in the previous year you starved yourself or feed yourself more salt, sugar, fat and alcohol than your body needed, you have an opportunity to rectify that now.  I like to ask myself, compassionately, “What are you really hungry for MJ; what are you really starving for?”  If it’s love, I seek loving people to connect with: those people who are affectionate in speech, touch and behavior.  If I’m hungry for laughter, I seek funny, witty people so I can laugh and play, too.  If I need intellectual food, I find those others who also enjoy that source of nourishment. Also ask yourself if you are giving your body the proper rest it needs to repair and rejuvenate, particularly when you have suffered the loss of someone that you love.  Be mindful of overworking your body; it is your temple. For Your Mind~ Have you treated your mind with compassion?  When others ask you to do something that you don’t want to do, how often do you say “yes,” then feel resentful afterward?  How about if you always say “no” no matter what someone asks of you, and then wonder why no one calls you anymore? After a loss, this is particularly important to pay attention to. Compassion for your mind is opening up your thinking to new ways of being, new ways of responding to others. This is where the Janus looking back helps because if you were raised with many restrictions, you may fall into saying no more often than responding yes.  On the other hand, those raised to please everyone often automatically respond with a yes response which will eventually burn you out and your body is already tired after you have experienced a loss. Also, when you have lost a loved one, or your job, or your health, or your closest relationship, or the loss of the life you thought that you would have, this time of year can be more painful and lonely. Now is the right time to extend the hand of compassion to your beautiful mind by touching it with the words of sages and saints, the biographies of inspirational people, the Bible, the Torah, the Koran, the Bhagavad-Gita, and the Buddha-Dharma. Or consider watching programs and movies about those souls who have met overwhelming adversary and treated that imposter no different than they would treat a friend. For Your Spirit~ Have you treated your spirit with compassion?  Reflect now, for in this New Year your spirit is searching more overtly for answers so indulge your seeker self.  Walk a labyrinth, a beautiful figuration and a sacred pathway.  As you walk, pray, breathe, meditate. When we have had a loss, we need to ask ourselves what loving or knowing this other person gave to us.  That’s reflective; that’s looking back.  In this way you will be as Janus and this thoughtful exercise will enable you to look toward your future with some hope.  I regard everyone and every situation in my life as a teacher - positive or negative.  It has helped me to learn what to be and what not to be in this regard.  It has shown me that most people do the best that they can given their experiences, their genes, their consciousness, and their personal gifts.  It has also taught me the value of being grateful for everything that I have. So as 2009 begins, remember Janus!  Remember to look backward because it will assist you in looking forward and bring deeper meaning to your life. It will absolutely give you another chance to begin anew and make every day matter. Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S.,CGP is a practicing psychotherapist for 29 years available in person or by telephone.  Her book, When Every Day Matters: A Mother’s Memoir on Love, Loss and Life (Simple Abundance Press, Oct. 2008) is available at her website www.WhenEveryDayMatters.com or on http://www.Amazon.com This article first appeared on http://www.opentohope.com

2009

By Randah R. Hamadeh -

How can I welcome you 2009?
As you come without the daughter of mine
How can the stars for you shine?
When the brightest of all is with the divine
How can people go out to celebrate and dine?
Drinking glasses of champagne and wine
Tell me, how can I ever be fine?
When sorrow traumatized my veins and spine
And grief embraced me and in it I solely confine
Please pardon me if I don’t welcome you 2009

Randah R. Hamadeh, 2009, Copyright©
Written in loving memory of my daughter
Samar Ahmed Al Ansari (4/4/1988-4/9/2006)
(www.samaralansari.com

)

Another New Year

Heidi and I hope that you are thinking of making a New Years resolution for 2009. For some of you, your resolution will be about managing and/or surviving your pain of loss – perhaps about just getting out of bed every morning. For some of you it will be about establishing a new “normal” and bringing some degree of balance back into your life. For all of us it is a time to take care of ourselves by getting enough rest, exercise and wholesome food and, perhaps even recreation. We can then reach out to others. Heidi and I believe that one of the things that will most support your healing from loss is to make an effort to reach out to others – bake a cake for a friend, run errands for a shut-in or write just one thank you note.

Last year our resolution was to start a foundation – we were asking you for ideas about names. That is done. We named it The Open to Hope Foundation and you can find its blog at http:www.opentohope.com. We also started blogs focused on the loss of a spouse, AIDS, cancer and others to better serve those of you who have suffered a loss. You can find links to these blogs at the bottom of The Grief Blog or on the Open to Hope blog. Our poetry contest was a huge success and we are planning to launch the 2009 poetry contest soon. We hope you’ll enter.

We found in 2008 that you, our blog visitors,  are a very loving and compassionate group who reach out to comfort and console each other through your letters, your comments to other’s posts and your poems.  We thank you for helping us make The Grief Blog a place people can come to learn, to share and to heal and we encourage you to continue to reach out to each other.

As 2009 unfolds you will see some changes and additions to the blogs that we hope you find helpful. We also have some wonderful guests and programs lined up for our radio show, Healing the Grieving Heart. We will walk through this year together.

We encourage you to let us hear from you. Let us know what you need and what you would like to see here.

Our wish for you is for hope and healing in 2009.

Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi

Creating a Grief Recovery Plan for 2009

By Tom Zuba –

The death of someone we love transforms us.  It has to.  Over time, we decide whether we are going to consciously participate in that transformation or if the transformation is going to be unconscious.  It’s a decision we make daily.  As we countdown to the New Year and talk of resolutions, it’s the perfect time to create a plan to consciously participate in our transformation, to consciously create our new life.

Some concrete steps to consider include:

Commit to active mourning.  Make the effort to find a therapist, a support group, a “grief buddy.”  Healing occurs when you find a safe place where you can excavate, explore and express your grief in the presence of others.  Being stoic, pretending, repressing, rejecting, ignoring all that wells up inside of you is not a path to healing.

Commit to going outside and walking in nature every day, even if it’s only for five minutes and you have to force yourself to do it.  Build up to ten minutes, then 15 or 20.  Lose yourself in nature.  Over time, notice the change of seasons.  Spring always follows winter.  The days get brighter.  What appeared to be dead brings forth new life.

Commit to finding ways to release the heavy, burdensome energy stored in your body.  A massage therapist cannot only help you physically relax but he/she can help your body release stored energy and even memory that no longer serves you.  Consider working with a Reiki master or a Craniosacral therapist.  At the very least, the physical touch will be healing.

Commit to spending quiet time with yourself every day, to simply BE with yourself and your new life.  Again, even if you have to force yourself to be quiet and alone for five minutes - do it.  Over time, five minutes becomes 10, becomes 15, and then 20.  If you keep running from yourself and your new life, how can you live it?  How can you consciously participate in it?  Pray.  Meditate.  Ask.  Listen.  Be.  Receive.  Allow.  Surrender.  Feel.

Commit to writing in a gratitude journal every day.  Do this first thing in the morning or last thing at night.  Buy a journal.  Put it by your bed.  Write five things you are grateful for every day.  At first, you may simply be glad another day is over.  You may be thankful for the soft pillow, the comfortable bed, the warm blankets.  And then you may remember that the first cup of coffee actually tasted good and you’re grateful for that.  And one day you notice the sun in the sky.

Commit to being gentle with yourself.  Really gentle.  Trusting life enough so that you are willing to create new dreams takes time.  Lots of time.  As the saying goes, we often take one step forward and two steps back.  Healing is a process.  It’s a journey.  Be gentle.

As this New Year unfolds, set the intention to heal.  Set the intention to consciously participate in your own transformation. A New Year. A New Life.

Tom Zuba is an author, inspirational speaker, and workshop facilitator. Reach him through his website, www.tomzuba.com.

This article first appeared on http://www.opentohope.com

Will I Ever Feel Better? And If So, When?

By Frieda Ferrick

We all have experienced sadness and grief at one time or another in our lifetime. Working with people who have had a difficult loss, whether they have been in grief groups I have facilitated or seen privately, the questions asked are:

1. Will I ever feel better?
2. Will I ever get over the sadness?
3. How could this have happened? It seems so unfair.
4. Will I ever get back to my life, and is it okay to get back to my life?

There can be a feeling of disloyalty, if a person starts to do activities where she or he are having a good time.

Grieving over the death of a family member or a dear friend, a loss of a relationship, or helath loss takes time and lots of it. You can feel as though you are on a out of control rollar coaster. As you dip and twirl, the grief can creep up on you unexpectedly and take you for its demented ride and then drop you like a bag of cement. You can get some relief of your intense feelings for awhile and without any warning waves of sadness can re-occur.

It is important that you understand that:

1. You are not crazy.
2. Your memory will come back; any people complain they are forgetting keys, appointents or other personal items.
3. Life might feel different for quite awhile.

Well meaning friends and family might try to minimize your feelings or want you to quickly get back to the person you used to be. You are not a bad or a good erson for grieving in your own particular way. Grief takes its own time. People are all different, there is no time line that is corrct for each person.

If you feel depressed for a long period of time, let’s say over six months to a year, you might want to get some support and/or professional help.

A group works for some people and lets you know you are not alone with your sorrow. It could be helpful to be with other people going through similar circumstances.

Some people are more private and might not be ready to be in a group due to the intensity of their feelings, they may need individual counseling. You have a right to be sad and also a right to heal your heart. In time and with help you will begin to feel better. http://www.friedaferrick.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Frieda_Ferrick

Visit with God

By Lana Golembeski -

God visited me as I was sitting on the beach.
I could feel His gentle, loving touch and hear
His sweet and tender voice.
He held me tight and I felt so very safe.
His love filled my entire body and soul.
My toes to my fingers tingled with His great love.
He smiled at my silliness in my thoughts….and even laughed out loud!
My thoughts turned to Alicia and how much I missed her.
He comforted me and reassured me that she is so happy in heaven.
I prayed that He might let me visit her in heaven.
I just want to see her, to touch her, to hear her voice…
to tell her how much I miss and love her.
The love of God filled my entire soul.
It warmed my heart beyond my understanding.
I knew there was no greater love than God’s love.
Yes, God spent the afternoon at the beach with me yesterday.
He walks by my side every day and carries me when I can no longer walk.
He gives me strength and courage and His undying love….forever.

How to Survive the Holidays - Tips For Grievers

By Sandy Clendenen - The holidays can be a very difficult time for those who are grieving. The holidays are all about spending time with family and friends. The holidays are all about traditions such as special meals or special trips or special gifting rituals or special gatherings. I remember my first holiday season after I lost my husband. I went away to be with family, but it felt like I was in the wrong place. I felt so conflicted that I actually developed a bad cold. With senses numb from sneezing and coughing, the days somehow seemed more manageable. I think many grievers become overwhelmed with conflicting feelings during the holidays. Questions arise about how to best cope during this festive season when you are not feeling festive. TIPS: 1) Be honest with yourself. Your loved one is gone physically. Acknowledge that no matter what you do, things won’t be the same. I believe that this acknowledgment can really help alleviate confusion and frustration. 2) Decide to take control of your participation in holiday events. Ask yourself if you want to continue with previous traditions. And if you do, be clear about the reasons you want to continue with these traditions. You have lost your loved one. You had no control over that, but you do have control over how you choose to spend your holiday. 3) Consider volunteering at a shelter or soup kitchen. Sometimes a few hours spent helping others can really help alleviate feelings of sadness and loss. 4) Consider some different holiday options. If you have always stayed home, go visit a friend or take a road trip or go hiking. While the holidays can be a difficult time for grievers, they can also be a time to really review what is important in your life. Writing about your feelings can be a very informative and empowering experience. If you don’t already journal, pick up a blank notebook at your office supply store and just begin writing about your feelings regarding the holidays and holiday traditions. Writing causes thinking. Your inner wisdom will guide you as you allow the writing process to unfold. As you become clearer about your feelings you will begin to feel a sense of inner empowerment. This feeling of empowerment is one of the transformative gifts that can unfold through the grieving process. Consider your options. As you begin to discover your options and realize that you do have choices, the holidays can afford you the opportunity to see more deeply into your own identity as a griever, but also as someone who is moving through and beyond your grief. Sandy Clendenen provides resources and services to empower widows who are feeling stuck in their grief to move beyond grief and into the new life they deserve to live. For more information, please go to http://movebeyondgrief.com or http://howtohealgrief.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Sandy_Clendenen

Five Tips For Grievers During the Holidays

By Jane Galbraith — The first Christmas without my mother was agony. Actually the month before was probably worse than the day itself. Because my mother had been sick between December 6 and January 11, I relived the whole month, which included Christmas and New Year’s Day. I tried to do things that I had done with my mother in hopes of making everything ”all right”. But of course, it would never be the same. Grief causes physical and emotional pain. Baby Boomers have come to expect instant pain relief in this fast paced society. Unfortunately, Baby Boomers will be facing this chapter in their lives in a culture that does not give grief the respect or validation it deserves. Grief is an emotion that our society does not want to discuss. We have been inundated with expressions such as “get on with life” and “closure” and “getting back to normal”. None of these expressions or attitudes helps the grief stricken. The holidays create even more pain to those grieving. They are a painful reminder of those who are no longer in our lives on a daily basis. What should be a festive and happy time does not feel like it for the grief stricken. There is an enormous amount of pressure to act “normal” during these holiday times. This seems like an insurmountable task at this time. It is exhausting. Here are some things that may help you get through these difficult situations: Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. If journaling or using a support group or special person generally helps, then make sure you take advantage of them during holiday times. Keep up any traditions that the deceased person started and you can continue. It helps you feel you are honouring the deceased. Try to establish new traditions that make you and your family feel good about the holiday or include activities you enjoy. Talk about your loved one with friends and family and encourage them to share favorite stories with you. Take care of yourself during this stressful time. Anything that makes you feel better should be done. This could be a long walk, massage, listening to music and getting enough sleep. Holidays are a difficult time but there are ways to get through them without hiding from the pain. Even though the holidays may not be as celebratory as last year, the days pass and you do survive!!! Jane Galbraith, BScN, R.N., is the author of “Baby Boomers Face Grief - Survival andRecovery”. Her work in the community health field included dealing with palliative clients and their bereaved families and has also assisted facilitating grief support groups. She speaks to many organizations about the subject. Her book is available through the author directly at jane.galbraith@sympatico.ca or www.amazon.ca. More information about the book can be found at www.trafford.com/05-2319. © 2008 Jane Galbraith

Breaking Out of the Grief Bubble

By Harriet Hodgson -

Grief is a complex process, so complex that mourners may not see themselves clearly. As a friend of mine commented, “You think you’re doing well [in grief] but you really aren’t.” I kept doing my grief work after losing four loved ones, and thought I was doing well. Family members and friends, however, knew I was in a grief bubble, a person totally absorbed in grief.

Now I am able to see how isolated I was and how others saw me. I am also able to see that I have broken out of the grief bubble — poked a giant hole to let fresh air, new experiences, and new ideas into my life. What do I mean when I say I have broken out of the grief bubble?

Increased physical activity was one of the first signs. Certainly, I was not physically active when I sat on the couch week after week and stared into space. Today, I am racing around for my twin grandchildren and making a conscious effort to walk for health. Walking makes me feel better physically and mentally.

Friends stuck with me during the grief process and now I am reaching out to them. I have invited 13 friends to a holiday luncheon next week. To seat everyone I have to put a card table at the end of the dining table. Though we will be scrunched together my friends will not mind. We will share feelings, tell stories and, if my past luncheons are any indication, laugh a lot.

Breaking out of the grief bubble has made me more aware of national and local news. I followed the presidential election closely, for example, and learned that the local food shelves were running low on supplies.So I delivered groceries and a check to the food bank. Though I am aware of the news, I still watch only one newscast a day for emotional self-defense.

The return of humor was another thing I noticed. My sense of humor is back big time. I trade one-liners with family members, store clerks, and even strangers. Humor has always been part of my personality and I missed it during my grief journey. I think the ablity to laugh as a sign of recovery.

Breaking out of the grief bubble takes time. At first, I poked a few trial holes to see the “lay of the land.” Then I poked a larger hole and stuck my head out to see what might happen. Finally, I poked a huge hole and said, “Enough grief! Enough tears! I want to join life again.” In order to do this, I had to reorganize my life and plan a future without my loved ones.

I am living that life now. Some aspects of my new life are the same as the old, such as my writing career. Other aspects, like raising my 16-year-old twin grandchildren, are new. Life is exciting again. My life no longer belongs to grief, it belongs to me.

Copyrigh 2008 by Harriet Hodgson http://www.harriethodgson.com

Harriet Hodgson has been an independent journalist for 30 years. She is a member of the Association of Health Care Journlaists and the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Her 24th book, “Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief,” written with Lois Krahn, MD, is available from http://www.amazon.com

Centering Corporation in Omaha, Nebraska — North America’s oldest and largest grief resource center– has published her 26th book, “Writing to Recover: The Journey from Loss and Grief to a New Life.”

The company has also published two companion resources, the “Writing to Recover Journal,” which contains 100 writing affirmations, and the “Writing to Recover Calendar,” which contains life affirmations.

Please visit Harriet’s website and learn more about this busy author and grandmother.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Harriet_Hodgson

Managing Holiday Grief & Loss

By Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S.,CGP -  The holidays have arrived. Normally they are a time for family fun and celebration but when you are grieving the loss of someone who has died, the season is different: it is painful.  Grieving is a long process. It takes time to heal the loss of a loved one. When we are grieving we can feel completely overwhelmed with sadness; overwhelmed with missing the beloved person who has gone and we long for them. We think we will not survive. So we ask ourself, "How can I make it through these days?" Here are some thoughts that have helped me. Maybe they can help you. For Your Body ~ Rest - Your body has experienced loss. It is exhausted. Take a nap when you can. Walk in the sunshine every day, even 15 minutes will help to elevate endorphins. Take some baths instead of quick showers. Eat nourishing foods like a delicious soup and a slice of warm whole grained bread. Limit your sugar, caffeine and alcohol; they affect mood. Drink generous quantities of water; it restores energy. Get a back massage; it lessens the stress lodged in our muscles. Get and give as many hugs as you can; touch heals. Stroke your pet; it calms the body. Pray, meditate, breathe deeply, practice yoga, and exercise; it brings you home to yourself. For Your Mind ~ Start a new tradition - If you don't have small children to attend to, simplify the decorations - an aromatic wreath on your front door and bakery purchased cookies are more than enough. Keep these days simple and peaceful: if you always prepared a big sit-down meal, have a little brunch instead. Carve out some time for yourself such as an overnight to the beach or the mountains with your prayers, your journal, your favorite inspirational books and your music. I browse the shelves of our local library; it is calming for me. If being around other people helps, seek them; people like to be asked for help; it makes them feel useful when they don't know how to help. Watch any movie that makes you laugh; you need to help your process along. Lastly, find a person to share your sorrow with whether a friend, a spouse, a minister, a priest, a rabbi, a clergyman, or a counselor. For Your Spirit ~ First, give compassion to yourself. Remind yourself that you did a good job loving the departed person and trust they are now safe and free. Second, be around those people whom you love and who love you; they will soothe your weary soul. But remember, you are vulnerable now and a remark from an insensitive person will injure you as never before. Attend church, or synagogue, or temple and pray for the departed, for yourself and your family. Pray for peace, pray for faith, pray for grace, pray for forgiveness. Have a small ritual that not only acknowledges the continued spiritual presence of the deceased but a ritual that you know would make them happy, too. An idea to celebrate the person that you have lost during the season would be to get every member of the family together and bake their favorite cake, pie or cookies then sit down with tea or hot chocolate or cold milk and share happy holiday memories. Maybe family photos or mementos could be brought out. Tears may come but let them; they open up the gates for laughter and hope. In our family we talk about our Katie with our three precious grandchildren so that they have a chance to know her through our remembrances. She is their Aunt Katie in heaven with God now. Katie loved the magic that children bring and she would love how we have opened our hearts to this chapter in our lives. When we remember that no one's spirit ever dies we will feel the light of confidence and direction shift in our souls to remember that our loved one is always with us as we are with them. And yes, we acknowledge that our life is not the same without them and we know that we will miss them forever. But we are grateful, so very grateful for having had the great blessing of them in our lives. We will honor our deceased by loving those still in our life and by making every day matter. Mary Jane Hurley Brant www.WhenEveryDayMatters.com Author of When Every Day Matters: A Mother's Memoir on Love, Loss and Life Simple Abundance Press, Oct. 1, 2008