My Grandson Died at Birth. How Do I Help My Daughter?

From The Grief Blog, November 1, 2007

My name is Jenn and on Oct 25th 2007 my daughter gave birth to a beautiful boy. There were complications, the cord was wrapped around his neck. They revived him and he was alive by machines until the 28th. My daughter had to hold her beautiful baby while he died. The pain I feel almost knocks me to the ground. It kills me to see her go through this but sometimes I don’t know what to say. I try to keep myself together on the outside. I don’t want her to worry about me. I think she is going to need counseling What is the best way to bring it up? She has 2 other young children and they are going to need their mom back. They don’t understand why their baby brother is not going to ever come home. Jenn

Drs. Heidi and Gloria Respond

Dear Jenn,

We are so very sorry for your loss and for what your daughter has had to endure. Losing a child is the hardest thing a parent can endure and seeing your own daughter suffer this loss brings such excruciating pain to you that we understand why you say it almost knocks you to the ground. The loss is still so new and the emotions so raw for her right now that she may have no idea what she needs or wants.

It may be that, as you say, she needs counseling or even a professional grief counselor if there is one in your area. It also could be helpful for her (and you) to seek out a chapter of The Compassionate Friends. The members of this group have each lost a child and understand what she is going through.  And there are probably also grandmothers there who can help you with your own grief and help you find ways to support your daughter. You can find them at http://www.compassionatefriends.org.  If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation.  However, we understand that groups are not for everyone.  If groups are not for you or your daughter we recommend that you reach out to your church, and friends for support.  We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone. 

Perhaps your daughter could benefit from listening Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  There are a number of past shows that may be of help to your daughter, particularly the Oct. 11^th, 2007 show with Monica Novak:  Coping with Pregnancy and Infant Loss.  There might be a number of other shows as well that bring both of you help and comfort and they can be found at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/    We often read letters from the Grief Blog on the show so you might want to tune in next Thursday. 

Know that each one grieves in her own time and in her own way and there is no right or wrong way to go about it. Encourage your daughter to be gentle with herself during this most difficult time. 

Our blessings,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

Editor’s note: the following Healing the Grieving Heart radio programs recently aired and also pertain to this topic:

October 30, 2008
Miscarriage and Infant Loss
Guests: Monica Novak and Beth Seyda

January 15, 2009
Finding Help and Hope After Pregnancy Loss
Guest: Cathi Lammert