The Loss of My Child

From The Grief Blog, November 13, 2007

He passed away due to pneumonia
Born on: 12/09/00 - 01/01/01
One of the first things I did after my son’s funeral was to write it all down. My son’s
 short life. How much we wanted him. How much we loved him. What dreams we dreamed. And how, so suddenly, so horribly, he was snatched away from us. Without a scream, without a cry.

He was with us just 3 weeks , but it seemed he had been part of our lives so much longer. .
His death was so unreal, one minute a sleeping baby, the next a limp corpse. While it was happening I felt as if I were watching a bad mini-series. The story was unbelievable, so unreal.

I never got the chance to feel his slobbery kisses, never got the chance to fulfill all the dreams I had for us. Never had the chance to show him off and gloat in any compliments that came my way. I never got to feed him any solid foods. I never had the chance to see the joy he would have brought his brother & sister. I never had the chance to see his smile, to hear his laugh. I never got the chance to hear him say mommy, daddy.

I’ve told this story many times, in many different situations. If my life is a tapestry,
this is the brightest, thickest thread. Fabian’s death is so much a part of me, that sometimes I wished it could be branded in my head:  “I survived my baby’s death.” Although you may not see my pain, it is there, ever-present just under the surface. My pain is real. Our baby lived and died. I had to write it down and share it with you.

I must remember the depth of the love I had for my baby. It is impossible to talk or listen to the story without tears. So much hope in such a little package. There were some dark hours when I just wanted to curl up, rock in a corner, and disappear. There were moments when suicide made sense although I knew I would never take this path. For the first time in my life, I really understood depression. I felt as if I was in a closed box with no openings. It felt all consuming. I felt as if my life were over.

I am grateful God gave me a few weeks with him, to share in his spirit, to sleep with him, to feed him, and to hold him. I wish I had been able to see him grow, watch him as he learned to take his first steps, watch him walk as he made it to his first day of school. To be able to tuck him into bed and read him a bedtime story just like I do with his brother and sister. When I go to sleep at night , he is always in my thoughts and in my prayers.

He was sent to us as a precious gift, he was truly a radiant beautiful baby boy. We find ourselves longing for and loving him. As he resides in his heavenly place, may Jesus keep him in his constant care, while we wait for an eternal life to see him again…

Sonia,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond
Dear Sonia,

Thank you for your beautiful and loving story. We will post it on the blog because we know it will help and console those who read it.

We are so very sorry for the loss of your son and know that there are few words that can truly console us as parents after such a loss.

We encourage you to see if there is a group of Compassionate Friends in your area. The members of this group have each lost a child and offer you understanding and support that can rarely be found anywhere else. They can be found at http://www.compassionatefriends.org. If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation.  However, we understand that groups are not for everyone.  If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support.  We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.  There is no time limit on grieving and each of us who have lost a child need to receive and give loving support.

We also invite you to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ Tomorrow’s show is Helping Families Deal With Loss and our guest is Dr. Janice Nadeau, a psychologist and marriage and family therapist. Often we will read letters to The Grief Blog on the show and we encourage you to listen tomorrow because, if we have the opportunity, we may read yours.

Our blessings,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi